Hey there, dog.  You’re a good American dog. You’re obedient, but not too obedient. When I ask you to fetch my slippers, you do it, but you do it in your own individual dog way.

Dog, you chase the mailman for his conformity, but respect him for his civic pride.  You see him in the town parade, and you quietly wag your tail for him.

It’s hard to trust anyone in this country, Dog.  Our senators are divided. Our president is a crook. But Dog, you have to have faith in our system.  It’s not perfect, but what else do we have? You just keep wearing that adorable bandana, Dog. The red, white, and blue one tied around your neck.

You’re a dog who knows it’s tough to be a patriot when he sees all those American boys going off to Saigon.  A dog whose ears perk up when he sees the bright fireworks, but who can’t help thinking about their cost to our nation’s forests and rivers.  You’re thoughtful, and it’s a heavy burden to bear.

You don’t want to bury any more bones, Dog.  You’ve buried a lot of bones.

And sometimes you look at the sky and see the ghosts of a million dogs staring back at you.  But sometimes, Dog, you look up at the sky and imagine you’re looking at one of those Russian satellites, and your gaze reflects off it, landing somewhere deep in Russian territory, into the eyes of a dog not unlike you.  And you imagine him looking back, and you can’t help but think that under God, deep down,  you’re both just dogs.


1. Lonely Planet Travel Guides

2. Real New Yorker

3. The City of Detroit is Dying, and I Know Why.

4. Door to Door Door Salesman

5. Luck of the Irish

6. No Cure for Lameness

7. Big Cojones

8. Cheese Whiz (hosted by Trent Dilfer)

9. Fourth Down

10. Horse Grooming

11. The Giving Boy

12. Goofus & Gallant

13. Bees

14. Parisian Love

15. Anteaters

16. Andrew Jackson Interview Responses

17. Ransom Note

18. Shisbos™

19. Sexual Healing

20. If I were the Mayor

21. Mom

22. Chunk Tennis

23. Boats

24. Political Cartoons

25. Book Review

26. Cougar Safety

27. Sister's Shower

28. Nancy Reagan’s Spec for The Wire

29. Cheat Codes

30. Interns Wanted at L.A. Production Studio

31. Hot Wheels

32. Elevator Man

33. Ice Ice Baby

34. Playing Guess Who? with Wayne Gretzky

35. DNA Evidence

36. Teddy Bear

37. Get Rich Quick Scheme #13

38. Bill Clinton: Daredevil

39. Guide to Guerrilla Marketing

40. If Cain and Abel Were Sisters

41. Euros

42. Consulting Info Session

43. Alumni Message Board

44. Mon French

45. Actual Real Life

46. Surviving an Economic Depression

47. Fed FAQ

48. M.C. Escher

49. Budget Cut Speech

50. A Mango in Manitoba

51. Budget Cut Speech

52. Get Rich Quick Scheme #38

53. Murder on the Big Rock Candy Mountain

54. Beans

55. Betty Crocker

56. Forgetting the Titans

57. Mick Riddle is a Man Who Works in Tech Support

58. Dog

59. Good American Dog

60. Alien Invasion

61. Renessa

62. Carhop

63. A Speech for the Student Movement

64. Sex Machine

65. Subway Etiquette

66. Adopt a Child

67. Born Too Late

68. Castro Assassination Attempt

69. Stenographer

70. Terrorist Search History

71. Sit-In

72. Image Reinvention

73. The Zezk and You

74. Revolutions That Will Not Be Televised

75. How to Talk to Humans

76. When I Marched

77. A Resolution

78. Beach Bodies

79. Golf Course

80. Moonwalk

81. My Rock and Roll Idols

82. More Quotes from Ken Kesey

83. Remember the Gophers

84. Revolutionary Art

85. Africa

86. Interview Formality

87. Best Day of My Life

88. Economic Terms

89. If Cain and Abel Were Sisters