Woman: Help! Help! This man fell off the stage! Is there a doctor in the house?
Doctor:  I’m a doctor. Well, a horse doctor, but it’s essentially the same principles.
Woman: Can you help this man?
Doctor: That depends. Is it a racer or a breeder?
Woman: It?
Doctor:  [chuckling] Old horse doctor joke.
Woman: I’m not sure I…
Doctor:  We only treat racers.
Woman:  Doctor, this man is unconscious. What should we do?
Doctor: Well first I need to check his age.
Woman:  He’s 40! Please take your fist out of his mouth. He’s 40 years old.
Doctor: That’s pretty old. Are you sure you wouldn’t just rather… [makes slicing motion across neck]
Woman: Oh my God. His leg. There’s a bone sticking out.
Doctor: Broken leg. Damn it.  I hate this part of the job. [cocks pistol and slowly raises it]
Woman:  Please don’t!  This man… he has a family!
Doctor:  [shaking head] When it breaks a leg, you have no other option.

—CRS ‘09, AMG ‘10

-All of my close friends attend, as well as several “A-list” celebrities.  Even the caterers are all people I would be friends with, were they not part of the catering industry.  My enemies are not in attendance, having been systematically assassinated by a mafia don friend of mine who needed to consolidate his power.

-The entertainment includes a live band, a magician, and six clowns, each of whom has been led to believe that he has an enemy and a protector among the other clowns.

-There are fifty cakes arranged neatly in five rows of ten, unlabeled and undecorated.  Each represents a different state of the union.  Once everyone has mingled for a while, an announcement is made and everyone gathers round the cakes: three expert taste-tester geographers have been hired for the specific purpose of cleaning up the huge mess we are about to make.

-Outdoors on the field, four historical reenactors are in the process of reenacting all of the important moments from my life that involve cannon fire.

-The seating arrangement is an unqualified success, the result of months of meticulous study and trial, after which it was finally settled that there would be one chair for every guest, thank you very much.

-The gift table is overflowing, but none of the guests see this as a weakness of the table itself.

-All of my ex-girlfriends look on in sheer amazement and envy, of their own volition.  After the party, none of them will be allowed to have sex with me, or none of them will be allowed not to have sex with me—I haven’t decided yet.

—NHS ‘10

Unless you know exactly what you’re doing, stealing a car can prove difficult and confusing.  Here are a few guidelines to keep your head calm and your car stolen, presuming you now own someone else’s car.

-Don’t steal cars from your own block and definitely don’t steal cars from your own driveway.  As a rule of thumb, don’t steal anything from your driveway—it’s against the law.

-Wear gloves to avoid leaving fingerprints, but never wear gloves with suction cups attached, unless the car is parked on the side of a building or on the side of another, more levitating car.

-After you steal the car, don’t speed away with the tires screeching.  You’ll only draw attention to yourself.  Instead, remove the tires and walk the car home gently.

-A great idea is to switch the stolen car’s license plates with novelty plates that say “Mine 4 Real.”

-Get your hands on a police radio.  That way, when the cops are giving chase, you can trick them by pretending to be a policeman and saying, “I’ll take it from here, pigs.”

-Might I suggest reverse psychology?  Stereotypical thieves wear all-black outfits and sneak around at night.  I staple Christmas lights to a neon-orange shirt and yell profanities while stealing fancy cars in broad daylight.  Who would ever suspect I was a real thief?  Apparently several eyewitnesses, the police, a federal judge and a jury of my peers.

-Create a diversion like the sound of a wind of a sound-wind sounding a wind sounding SOUNDING WIND!  (I just stole your car.)

—CKJ ‘04

The news article I always think is going to run in the next day’s paper after I look at porn:

Student Caught Downloading Illegal Pornography

A college student was arrested yesterday on charges on downloading illegal pornography on his home computer, authorities said.

Even though the student, who asked that his name be withheld to protect his identity, was viewing the pornography on his mom’s computer and on her Netscape account, police were able to identify him as the culprit after finding forensic DNA evidence on the mouse and keyboard. According to Prosecutor Frank Harrison, finding hard evidence also was not difficult.

“While he did clear all of his history and empty his cache, he forgot to delete one cookie,” said Harrison. “That cookie made the difference.”

The actual illegal pornography was a single picture of Lindsay Lohan. Even though it wasn’t even a nude picture and was just a post-production shot from Mean Girls which she filmed in 2004—eighteen years after she was born in 1986—apparently the shot itself was taken a day before her birthday in 2004, making her still a minor. While the student only clicked on the link to view the picture and did not actually download it to his computer, it didn’t make a difference to the Supreme Court jury.

Despite the student’s request for anonymity, most of his family and friends have already found out about the situation. Early this morning, they received an email from the student in which he admits that he often looks at underage pornography. Apparently, the email was sent by a virus that took over the student’s computer, even though after viewing the pornography he ran a McAfee Virus Scan that found zero viruses. The virus also deleted the student’s 16-page Virginia Woolf paper.

“We’re sending him to the island prison for pedophiles,” said Harrison. “But it doesn’t really matter: his reputation is destroyed forever.”

—MKG ‘10

If God had a sexual relationship with a mortal woman:

God: So…like…what are you in the mood for?
Woman: How about I take…this off.
God: Your legs and armpits — they’re so hairy!
Woman: This is how you made me.
God: No, a woman’s legs should be smooth.
Woman: But you chose to have hair grow on-
God: Go shave.  It’s disgusting.

Miss Frizzle is able to take her class on amazing field trips because they ride a bus that can go anywhere.

Miss Frizzle:

Alright class, on the bus. It’s time for a trip!

Arnold:

But Miss Frizzle, we just went on a trip.

Miss Frizzle:

Today is a new day!

Wanda:

We took one this morning.

Miss Frizzle:

That wasn’t a real trip.

Arnold:

We drove through the janitor’s veins.

Miss Frizzle:

We learned about more than just blood. Didn’t we?

Tim:

I have never even seen our classroom.

Miss Frizzle:

Why would we use one building when our bus can make any place we want our classroom?

Carlos:

I’m in fifth grade, and I can’t do basic math.

Miss Frizzle:

We can see real-life dinosaurs… in their natural habitats!

Arnold:

If this thing can time travel, we could stop terrible things like plane crashes and serial killers and war.

Miss Frizzle:

I got it. We are going to a balloon factory.