Everybody in the school shows up in tears.  When the popular girls cry it smears their makeup and they look ugly; meanwhile, my makeup looks great, so great that in the middle of the service, Jared stands up and demands to be buried in the coffin with me. The priest says it’s okay.

Everyone is trying to figure out why I chose to kill myself on November 15th.   Then someone realizes that it’s the six-year anniversary of the day Korn broke up. When Korn finds out what I’ve done, they get back together and write a song about me, with Green Day (who all join Korn.)

Suddenly, the lead singer of Creed stands up and reveals that “My Own Prison” was based on me. Everyone is shocked. Then the New Yorker announces that they’re going to publish “Black Sunshine,” a poem I’m going to write between now and when I kill myself.

Jodie isn’t invited to my funeral and she tries to have her own little funeral at the same time, but no one goes to hers.

Meanwhile, Green Day is in the middle of “time of your life” (they say it’s the last time they’re ever going to sing the song) when all of a sudden the Priest unplugs their instruments. “I’m afraid I have to interrupt Ashley’s funeral!” he says. “I have some alarming news.  The yearbook has been cancelled. It seems there are no photographs of any of the JV teams.” Everyone starts murmuring and crying because they’ve been looking forward to the yearbook for months.

“But the JV photographs were Jenny’s job! How is this possible? I thought Jenny was on top of all this?”

“Why did this happen,” the Priest says. “Why?”

“I’ll tell you why,” Billie Jo Armstrong says. “It may have been Jenny’s responsibility to take the photos, but Ashley was the one doing all the work, even though she was only the Junior Associate Editor!  She never got any credit for it while she was alive.”

Everyone is stunned. Some people murmur that maybe Ashley should have been elected Senior Associate Editor, in place of Jenny.

When I get to Heaven, the girls I killed in the murder part of my murder-suicide are waiting for me.

“It’s okay Ashley, we deserved to die,” says Tina. The rest of the volleyball A-team nods. “We understand why you had to do it,” they say. “We forgive you and now we all can be friends forever. In fact…put on this jersey, captain! We’ve got a game in half an hour!”

“I’m sorry about the yearbook stuff,” Jenny says. “And I also understand why I was killed.”

Just then Green Day all kill themselves and the funeral party moves up to heaven. They play “When I come Around” and “She.” Then my parents take me out to IHOP and order me the Rooty-Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity with a side of Canadian bacon and I don’t gain any weight.

The End

Finally, an amusement park for real men.  Check out our rides:

Twisted Metal
Tired of lame free-fall rides that go at the girly acceleration of gravity?  This monster hurls you from the height of a 23-story building at over 3 G’s—onto your face.

Wheel of Death
You better leave your skirt at home, because by the end of this ride you will somehow be wearing one.

The Snake Charmer
When some sissy-nerd said that “you can’t go home again,” he was probably thinking of this ride.  After tasting The Snake Charmer’s nasty twists and daring descents, you’ll find your house burned down by a park employee.

Not Your Grandma’s Coaster
There’s a pretty good chance that your grandma never rode on this recently restored old-fashioned wooden coaster.

Earthbound
Do you know how it feels to experience an emergency reentry into our atmosphere in a speeding NASA spaceship?  Neither do we.  This ride is a shaking room with different-colored flashing buttons.

The Centrifuge
Think you can withstand 14 G’s of awesome bone-crushing power?  Scientists beg to differ.

A Giant Catapult
Get ready for some surprises.

The Carousel
Circle around on a horse with a pole through it.  Did I mention that it’s a live horse? Good, because it’s actually a dead horse.

Straitjacket
You’re about to get the shit kicked out of you.

The Pain Café
Try the Extreme Manburger, the Five-Pound Chicken Wing Manbucket, or Sergeant Pulverizer’s Danger Explosion, an undercooked chili dog.

Take-a-Break Lake
While the others test the limits of their manliness, this soothing water ride gives grandpa a chance to rest his feet before killing him.