Dear Cindy
Dear Cindy,
We’ve been dating for nearly three months now and there’s something I’ve really been meaning to talk to you about. Don’t freak out – it’s not a big deal or anything. There are so many things I love about you and I want you to remember that first. For example, I love looking at you naked, undressing you so that you’re naked, and stealing all your clothes and burning them so that you have to be naked all the time.
But every time you get naked, I can’t help but wonder: why aren’t your boobs any bigger? I mean, they’re just normal, average-sized boobs. You used to want to be the best, Cindy. You wanted to be a star. In this day and age that means you’ve got to be the gal with the biggest boobs in town, and you’ve got to prove it by letting your boyfriend examine them with his mouth and hands.
Look, I know you probably like your boobs a lot. That’s why I’m only suggesting that you make them bigger. The way you act now, content with your medium-sized boobs, it’s as if you don’t even want to walk around with huge tits swinging back and forth, hilariously knocking down valuable antiques. When did you decide to give up on your dreams?
I know you’re in charge of your own body, okay. I mean, I’ve heard of feminism before. But wouldn’t it be really feminist to make your boobs so incredibly big that you could use them as weapons against men? I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure feminism also endorses punishing your boyfriend by squeezing his head between two breasts the size of beach balls and then vigorously shaking them side to side.
Why say no to a chance to better yourself? Having bigger boobs will only make men listen to you more and pay you more money for whatever jobs women can do. This isn’t about me, Cindy – it’s about you. It’s about making your boobs so big that you get into the Guinness Book of World Records and I can brag to all my friends about my famous girlfriend.
Love,
Josh
