Life’s Little Instruction Book for Epic Adventuring
When my son was 10, I started compiling tidbits of advice about life in general, especially as it pertains to embarking on epic adventures. Here is the list, even though my son is dead now.
If you see a samurai on the street, talk to him. He will ask you if you want to be best friends.
If you see a ninja, remember these famous words of advice: “Remember, son, that ninjas are bad warriors and samurai are good warriors.”
When choosing members of your adventuring party, and you have to choose between a samurai and a ninja, choose the samurai if you would like a smart, loyal and reliable ally in battle or choose the ninja if you want somebody who will sneak up behind you and light your shoe on fire while kicking you in the nuts.
Always keep a bucket of water at your side if you are hanging out with a ninja. You never know when you will need to extinguish a ninja-made shoe fire.
There are so many weapons that samurai and ninja use. Nunchaku, Kitana, Sai, and Bo are all of them.
Son, do you think it’s kind of retarded that a bo is basically a big piece of wood?
The silly thing about ninjas is that it is very unwieldy to be holding nunchaku while attacking an opponent’s foot with a lit match.
If you pick up a stick on the ground and give it to a ninja, he will go “Cool! A Bo!” That’s when he’ll kick your ass with a Bo.
If you at some time notice an uncomfortably warm sensation on your foot, look at your foot. It might be on fire. Ask that ninja lying on the floor if he did it.
You know how sometimes somebody will give you a really nice foot massage? That’s what it feels like to hang out with a samurai. You know how other times you’ll be standing there and your foot will catch on fire? That is a sensation in some ways akin to when your foot is on fire because a ninja lit your foot on fire.
They say when a ninja stands in the shadow, he is invisible except for the lit match he holds in front of him at all times, thus illuminating his entire face and most of his torso.
Always flush a public urinal with your elbow. You need to keep your fist free in case of ninja attack!
“The only good injun is a dead injun.” The same holds true for ninjas. Another kind of good ninja is one who is about to give you a root beer.
A favorite deceitful ninja trick is to hand you a root beer and tell you to drop it on your foot. It is then that you realize that the “root beer” is actually a lit match and your “foot” is actually your other foot. A variation of this is when the ninja pretends that he himself is a root beer. Then when you drop the ninja on your foot, he is in a great position to light a match!
I have never actually been given the hotfoot by a ninja, but one time while I was watching Karate Kid 2 I dropped a cigarette on my shoe.
I have never actually been given the hotfoot by a ninja, but one time while I was watching Karate Kid 3 I stepped in the match flame of a ninja who was lying on the ground holding a lit match out against my shoe.
The ninja code requires that any ninja who fails a mission must suffer punishment most dire. He must hold a lit match to his own shoe while pretending to be distracted watching The Next Karate Kid.
If you see a ninja, call a samurai. They are the courageous men who walk around from village to village with wet paper towels that feel nice on your feet.
