Hey there, dog.  You’re a good American dog. You’re obedient, but not too obedient. When I ask you to fetch my slippers, you do it, but you do it in your own individual dog way.

Dog, you chase the mailman for his conformity, but respect him for his civic pride.  You see him in the town parade, and you quietly wag your tail for him.

It’s hard to trust anyone in this country, Dog.  Our senators are divided. Our president is a crook. But Dog, you have to have faith in our system.  It’s not perfect, but what else do we have? You just keep wearing that adorable bandana, Dog. The red, white, and blue one tied around your neck.

You’re a dog who knows it’s tough to be a patriot when he sees all those American boys going off to Saigon.  A dog whose ears perk up when he sees the bright fireworks, but who can’t help thinking about their cost to our nation’s forests and rivers.  You’re thoughtful, and it’s a heavy burden to bear.

You don’t want to bury any more bones, Dog.  You’ve buried a lot of bones.

And sometimes you look at the sky and see the ghosts of a million dogs staring back at you.  But sometimes, Dog, you look up at the sky and imagine you’re looking at one of those Russian satellites, and your gaze reflects off it, landing somewhere deep in Russian territory, into the eyes of a dog not unlike you.  And you imagine him looking back, and you can’t help but think that under God, deep down,  you’re both just dogs.


1. Lonely Planet Travel Guides

2. Real New Yorker

3. The City of Detroit is Dying, and I Know Why.

4. Door to Door Door Salesman

5. Luck of the Irish

6. No Cure for Lameness

7. Big Cojones

8. Cheese Whiz (hosted by Trent Dilfer)

9. Fourth Down

10. Horse Grooming

11. The Giving Boy

12. Goofus & Gallant

13. Bees

14. Parisian Love

15. Anteaters

16. Andrew Jackson Interview Responses

17. Ransom Note

18. Shisbos™

19. Sexual Healing

20. If I were the Mayor

21. Mom

22. Chunk Tennis

23. Political Cartoons

24. Book Review

25. Boats

26. Cougar Safety

27. Sister's Shower

28. Nancy Reagan’s Spec for The Wire

29. Cheat Codes

30. Interns Wanted at L.A. Production Studio

31. Elevator Man

32. Hot Wheels

33. Ice Ice Baby

34. Playing Guess Who? with Wayne Gretzky

35. DNA Evidence

36. Teddy Bear

37. Get Rich Quick Scheme #13

38. Bill Clinton: Daredevil

39. Guide to Guerrilla Marketing

40. Consulting Info Session

41. If Cain and Abel Were Sisters

42. Alumni Message Board

43. Euros

44. Mon French

45. Actual Real Life

46. Surviving an Economic Depression

47. Fed FAQ

48. M.C. Escher

49. Budget Cut Speech

50. A Mango in Manitoba

51. Budget Cut Speech

52. Murder on the Big Rock Candy Mountain

53. Get Rich Quick Scheme #38

54. Betty Crocker

55. Beans

56. Forgetting the Titans

57. Mick Riddle is a Man Who Works in Tech Support

58. Dog

59. Good American Dog

60. Carhop

61. Alien Invasion

62. A Speech for the Student Movement

63. Renessa

64. Subway Etiquette

65. Sex Machine

66. Born Too Late

67. Adopt a Child

68. Castro Assassination Attempt

69. Stenographer

70. Terrorist Search History

71. Sit-In

72. Image Reinvention

73. How to Talk to Humans

74. The Zezk and You

75. Beach Bodies

76. A Resolution

77. When I Marched

78. Revolutions That Will Not Be Televised

79. Golf Course

80. Moonwalk

81. My Rock and Roll Idols

82. Revolutionary Art

83. More Quotes from Ken Kesey

84. Remember the Gophers

85. Africa

86. Economic Terms

87. If Cain and Abel Were Sisters

88. Interview Formality

89. Best Day of My Life