Ever had somebody tell you that you looked like a celebrity? For some it’s a blessing, but for me it’s a curse – I look exactly like the rapper Pitbull.
Passerby: Say your famous line!
Me: (Sigh) It’s Pitbull time.
Passerby: Woo Pitbull! You rock!
Concerned Mother: Get that pitbull away from my child!
Me: No, no, not that kind of Pitbull. The rapper, Mr. 305, vamos de fiesta!
Child: I hate your music.
Me: Honestly, me too, I’m actually not the re-
Concerned Mother: Somebody! Call the police! There’s some kind of Mexican man talking to my children.
Pitbull Impersonator: What the fuck are you doing on my turf?
Me: What’s wrong, can’t a guy go for a walk in Downtown Miami?
Pitbull Impersonator: Not looking like that, you’re gonna run me out of business.
Me: You don’t even look like Pitbull.
Pitbull Impersonator 2: Is this guy giving you trouble?
Pitbull Impersonator: He thinks he can reach the top of the Pitbull-impersonation game by looks alone.
Pitbull Impersonator 2: Not any more he won’t. You’re about to find out what makes a real Pitbull impersonator, the hard way.
(They beat me up, in character)
Me: Can I just have some Halloween candy please, it’s been a rough night. Parent: Who are you supposed to be? Pitbull in a sheet?
Me: A ghost. I’m a sad ghost.
Pitbull: ¡Dale! You look just like me!
Me: Yeah, it’s pretty weird.
Pitbull: Not weird, loco! I need to write a multi-platinum latin dance hit loosely inspired by this. Me: Listen, after all I’ve been through for looking like you, could I maybe get an autograph? Oh, I know, let’s take a photo together, like there are two Pitbulls – that would be hilarious! Pitbull: I don’t get the joke. I’m the one and only Pitbull.
Me: No, no, that’s why it’s a jo-
Pitbull: I cannot be replaced. There’s only one of each person. That’s DNA.
Me: I know tha-
Pitbull: Listen, you need to be your own man. That’s my advice. Now please leave my home.