I love hearing the poors on TV complain about how healthcare is so terrible in this country. It reminds me of how, for a select few of us, the doctors are totally bribable.

Me: What’s the story, doc?

Doctor: I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have type III tuberculosis.

Me: (laughing) Oh dear.

D: That’s the incurable kind.

Me: (Waving a $1,000 bill) Oh really? Is it really incurable?

D: Well, they’re working on a–

Me: What about now? Are they still working on it? (waving $100)

D: No. It’s curable.

Me: That’s more like it. I’ll have a cure, please. And you know what? Why don’t you throw in some new boobs for the Missus?

D: Certainly.

Me: Can your profession really make a man pregnant, like on the hilarious movie I saw?

D: I suppose we–

Me: (waving $5) Not me, of course. Just any man off the street will do.

D: Coming right up.

Me: And doctor?

D: Yes?

Me: It’s my birthday.

D: Happy birthday, sir.

Me: Don’t insult me. I want to see three strangers with my face.

More Classics