What’s up, my name’s Trad, and I’ll be your skydiving instructor this afternoon. Now I know some of you may be scared, but you honestly have nothing to worry about. When you’re in the plane, you’ll have me – a very strong and powerful man – tightly strapped to your back, controlling your body, and inching you step by step towards emptiness. Cool, breezy emptiness. And when you’re in freefall, you’ll be comforted, as my lips caress your earlobe and softly whisper, “This is flying.”

Now, I’ve got some strict rules. First, I never dive with a woman, not because it makes me uncomfortable, but because I fear that her breasts may attract condors. Second, I never dive strapped to a short person. The last time I tried that, his feet couldn’t touch the ground when we landed, and to this day he still thinks he’s plummeting. Third, you have to close your eyes when we fall through a cloud so as not to intrude on angels. Cool? So if you two women and you, short guy, could just hang out…feel free to grab a Dew.

Listen, you’re all doing something great today. You’re entering into skydiving history, from that first guy who looked at the sky and declared, “That is something I want to be falling through,” to the guy who saw the first airplane take flight and declared, “It’s about time.” Maybe you’ll be that first skydiver to realize that the parachute is just a crutch and that you can fly all on your own like Dumbo.

Finally, I would like to clear up the common misconception that it is somehow challenging to do flips and similar stunts while in the air. It’s not. When you’re surrounded by nothing but air for minutes, you can do as many flips as you want.

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