Every summer, the brothers of ΔΨΩ go on a retreat to Chainsaw Lake, but this last trip was complicated by murder. This event will forever be known as… THE TANGO AT CHAINSAW LAKE

You got 50 brothers in one cabin and of course Kyle is the one who doesn’t finish his beer. That was when we suspected he was dead, but more importantly that was when we knew he was out of the frat. The knife through his heart might have tipped us off more if that weren’t just a normal thing we did at Chainsaw Lake for fun. Hell, his jersey wasn’t even the bloodiest in the room. That honor belonged to Bryce “The Rice” muthafuckin Johnson, the local serial-murderer.

So we try to find who killed Kyle, since he also killed our buzz. We knew we had to keep the operation secret to not alarm the locals. There hadn’t been a major crime or explosion here since back when the place was called Chainsaw Elementary School and Rare Bird Sanctuary and Lake, and that had been days ago.

I take the helm as lead investigator. Eddy takes on the role of 2nd lead. Bryce goes off to do his own thing. We begin with Kyle’s room, which is so full of unfinished beer that it’s a wonder I didn’t kill him sooner than I did.

Wait, whoops.

Anyway, next we eliminated suspects. We knew it couldn’t be Richard because he was our frat
dog. And it couldn’t be Dog McDoggins because he was dealing with crippling depression. And it couldn’t be Lenny on account of his one arm being smaller than the other, like a sort of vestigial arm. We’re actually still not sure it wasn’t Bryce but we’ll take his word on it. And it couldn’t be Tom because he’s a baby for cryin’ out loud.

That left us with 43 brothers without excuses or alibis, so it really spared us a lot of trouble when we ruled it a suicide. With the investigation finished, we crowded around Kyle, teary-eyed, and finished his beer—together.