I was born a blue boy, but my whole life I’ve wanted to be a big green boy. Green boys get to be funny and fun and exciting, while as a blue boy I am constantly let down by my unfortunate blue-boyness. Green boys get to look like well fed grass and count money and pick up girls and say “boo-yeah daddyo” while us blue or tan boys are left saying “bow-wow fippy” in an ironic way that is un-fun.

When I was born like a boy is born my family had great hopes that I would be born, if not a green boy, then at least a yellow-green or sea-green boy. I too had great hopes as I was being born that
I would be a green boy. But as I looked down to my feet I was very disappointed to find that they were the feet of a very blue-boy, a dark blue boy at that, even under the florescent lights of the
supermarket parking lot. My parents hoped that, while born a blue boy, I would mature mauve then maybe even travel clockwise along the color-boy-wheel settling at a nice light-yellow boy.

But as of writing this, I am still very much a blue-boy. I am prone to blue-boy things like crying and not being able to enjoy certain fruits and not having any pets and not being able to drink a beer in one whole gulp. Sometimes if I look in the mirror and really think big-green boy thoughts and say to myself that I’m green like green pea soup I can see myself almost as a green boy, definitely a lighter blue boy.

Every month in the mail at green boy houses come letters from the government with compliments like “wow, has a green boy ever been as green as you!?” and “as a green boy myself, I am shocked by how like a fresh spring vegetable you are. You are as green as a really relaxed green frog that is sitting on some nice green moss.” Us blue boys get passive aggressive death threats from our neighbors.

When green boys go to the fish market they can get wild caught Alaskan tilapia while blue boys have to stick our hands in the ice and ask the workers if we can please have some farm raised Chilean tilapa. We blue boys are also the workers at the fish markets so we are actually making ourselves put our hands in the ice and beg ourselves for the farm raised chilean tilapa. This is self hatred and is unhealthy and just part of being a blue boy.

Green boys get to go to dances with all the girls that they’ve picked up and admire how much they look like a fresh-spring roll in the big mirrors at the Ritz. Their dates always know that the green boys will say nice things and that they will be a very handsome couple with the green boys because green is the color that is very complimentary. Meanwhile us blue boys are not at the
dances. We are thinking about Fourier socialism and being unhappy and smoking cigarettes and thinking about how under Fourier socialism it would only be fair that the green boys get a bigger slice of the pie.