Famous Last Words


“Okay. First time at a gun range. Don’t embarrass yourself. Just pick up your gun and point it at everyone so they know you’re not a threat.” 

Rat poison?!?!  I said the recipe called for 2 tablespoons of room temperature butter!” 

“As a licensed animal psychologist, I can assure you that the only way we’re going to get this gorilla to open up is from the inside.” 

“Yo, Neil, check this out, I’m gonna take off my helmet!”

“Relax, guys. The bullets are fake, unlike this here rat poison.”

“I’m gonna jump, I swear! (slips)”

“My math might be off, but that ledge is only like 3, 4 meters away, tops.”

“You know, you’re the first girl I’ve ever brought out here. (licks lips) All the others were weirded out by the idea of stepping into a trash compactor.”

“Scissorhands! Quick, trust fall!”

“Yeah this is actually my first time fighting a bear, believe it or not.”

“C’mon, what are the odds two guys named John Smith die on the same day?”

“No way this roller coaster fails twice in a row. I’m pretty sure they test it for stuff like that.”

“Oh (chuckles) no, I just test the electric chair.”

“No, I don’t think bears can bite, no.”

“Come on, give it a ride, I built the whole dang elevator myself.”

“Guns don’t kill people. I kill people, with guns, like this one I’m putting in my mou–.” 

“Hey guys, don’t worry about the fire. The rat poison will kill us long before it gets to us.” 

“Yeah, just take the plane a little lower. A little lower, yeah, right there. In that field. Oh yeah, this is going to be way better than the U.S Capitol Building.” 

“Okay, well, the menu says they’re out of the chicken, and the catch of the day is marlin, so…. Well…. Yeah, I guess I’ll go with the rat poison.”

“Hey man, get out of my office– and take that gross ice pick with you!”

“I’ll drink the rocks — hold the martini.”

“Hey guys. Yeah, no, I threw the bears off our scent. I masked it with all this uncooked man meat I had in my bag.” 

“Hey guys, don’t worry about the sharks. I talked to them and we’re all good now.”

“Worst part of being the janitor at Lincoln High? Probably having to eat all the gum from under the desk when we run out of trash bags, the kids always soak it in rat poison.” 

“How do you say “I’m sorry,” in shark? I mean Dutch. Sharks speak dutch, right?”

“Down in one! Down in one! Down in– oh that was lighter fluid, my bad.”

*cough *cough Ugh, guys. That lighter fluid didn’t go down so easy. Anyone got a chaser? All I have is this here bottle of mice poison, which also happens to be extremely effective against rats.” 

“A sinkhole? Well, don’t mind if I do.” 

“Damn, this icicle looks really pretty from the bottom.”

“Pshhhhh, if it were really that dangerous they’d call it Rat-and-Human Poison.”

“Hey, wait, don’t shoot– isn’t the real danger the possibility of growing old and alone?”

“On the bright side, I heard if you die on the bus they’re not allowed to remove your body so you kinda just get a free ride around the city for a while.”

“Malaysian Air. I like the sound of that.”

One Last Dance #

Issue Editor: MAG ’21-’22
Art Editor: 
JSR ’22
Winter 2021