Cousin Janet,

Thank you for the toaster oven you sent to our family last Christmas. The taste of our strudel has noticeably improved. I am writing to ask you to please stop banging my wife.

I was excited when you married into the family. We already had one lesbian cousin, now two? Some families can only dream of being so lucky. When I walked in on you banging my wife, I was also fairly excited. Three-ways with the wife and cousin? Yes, please. It was when you said that I would not be invited to the banging(s) that I realized what is happening here is immoral.

I thought I could put a stop to the banging by moving my family as far from yours as possible. It was disheartening to find out that Alaskan incest law only gives you further legal grounds to bang. It is also very cold in Alaska, so I do not mean to downplay how helpful and delicious the warm strudels have been. Please do not visit.

It seems like our family’s schedule has started to revolve around the banging. The kids say my wife stops at your house every morning on the way to school. They’ve been tardy every day this semester, but they don’t seem upset since first period is sex education and they’re getting plenty from watching the bangings. Please, close the blinds. The airfare from Alaska to Greenwich is beginning to get expensive. We may have to sell the toaster oven to stay solvent.

On that topic, the toaster hasn’t even been functioning properly. Nearly every week my wife has to call a toaster repairman to our house. He spends hours with her trying to reprogram the dang thing. It doesn’t help that the repairman would look exactly like you were he not carrying a toaster wrench. Watching him bang my wife only reminds me of how you bang my wife, which I do not like.

Thank you again for the toaster.


Cousin Riley