Artwork: MIC '26

Life of Crime

Author: MRB '25
As seen in: Justice Is Served #

Hello Willowbrook Middle School, I’m Brent, and I’m here to talk to you about choices. Not long ago, I was in your little shoes, but then one day I made an impulsive choice to commit high-level category-C corporate tax fraud. I wasn’t convicted, but it did embolden me to make a rational plan to commit a triple homicide. 

Let’s talk about choices. As you get older, some of your friends will start to think about crime, and you may feel confused, embarrassed, or dare I say excited. Don’t worry, everyone goes at their own pace. To identify which of your friends are the mature ones, let’s list some crimes: murder; extortion; starting — but not merely participating in, and you can quote me on that — a Ponzi scheme. Let’s talk about manslaughter. Repeat after me, Wildcats: murd-er is wors-er, manslaught-er is bett-er. Now you can never mix those up, due to the nature of rhymes.

Actually, I take back the whole murder thing. All crime is bad, and there is no room for subtlety in today’s fast-paced environment. Some of you may wonder, what happens if I go down this dark and treacherous road? If you’re lucky, you will end up on probation like me, and you will earn 2.5 charity points per assembly at a local educational institution. If you’re unlucky, you will walk free, but with a damaged conscience. You will spend your days consumed by guilt, and your nights watching NBC Dateline reruns to remind you of the glory days. Then someday, you will die. In both cases. So don’t commit crimes. 

You can avoid a life of crime by just saying “no” when someone invites you to make money by paying a small upfront fee in exchange for the opportunity to bring 3 new friends on-board. Also, when someone hands you a gun. 

Let’s get specific. I heard that Brayden has been selling Juul pods in the bathroom during recess. But who is at fault? You all, Wildcats. Because you are enabling him — and for that, you are all criminals. Really, at the end of the day… aren’t we all? Thank you.