I know this may be a challenge, but I am asking all of you to imagine yourselves in my position. I am a raccoon. Now I know what you’re thinking: why is this animal so beautiful? Does this raccoon carry rabies? I know and maybe. To be honest no one asked me to look this good and no one asked me to contract rabies. I’ve been consuming garbage for my entire life and I’ve never had a problem. So what am I doing here today, climbing across the witness stand during a homicide trial that is entirely irrelevant to my life? I’m killing time while I make my way across the courtroom so that I can access the enormous dumpster out back that is only accessible through the fire escape which I have been scouting out with my raccoon brethren for several months. By this point, the entrance to the fire escape is directly behind me. So I’m going to climb out the window. Thank you for your time.
