Before you say anything, we know what you’re thinking: why should you care that cancer
eventually got cured when in Key Largo, Florida, there’s an underwater hotel that delivers
dry pizza and no one knows how they do it? Well if you were the one who had cancer, you’d
be whistling a different tune.
That aside, good point—and, believe it or not, before he cured cancer Craig was actually an
underwater pizza-guy at Key Largo himself. In many ways, it was just like being a regular
pizza-guy: he took the orders, picked his nose, and was at no point given a scuba by Boss.
Why did Craig keep working there without a scuba, you ask? Well, some of us have children
to feed. Not Craig: he just got a big high from swimming really fast to deliver dry pizzas.
Also the work culture. Craig couldn’t help but crack a smile every time our beepers belted
“where’s my fucking pizza?”, a little chorus that Boss enjoyed screaming in funny voices to
cheer us on as we swam.
Despite all the fun we were having with Craig, his 251st pizza would turn out to be his
last. All pizzas had to be delivered dry, and Craig took a shit on that one—liquid. “That
oughta give these capitalists a taste of their own poop,” we thought, since indeed their poop
probably tasted just like Craig’s.
Yeah, that’s right—we’re all just human. And at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how
many pizzas you shit on. Because, one day, death and early retirement come for all of us.
And sure, both come sooner if you’re Craig, delivering underwater pizza at Key Largo. But
there was nothing anyone could do about that, which is why Craig eventually cured cancer
instead—and boy did we cheer for our boy Craig.