Dear Parent,


If you are receiving this note it means that your child has been enrolled in my class:
Post-Neo-Modernist Reflections on Progress. For those who are unfamiliar, this course is
colloquially referred to as second grade.


The goal of this course is simple: to produce analytical thinkers who can confidently
accelerate human progress on a global scale. By the end of the year, your child will be able
tell you about the futility of happiness and inevitably of war. They will not be able to read.

Unlike most teachers at this school, I will not be covering math. Math has long served as a
crutch to true intellectual development, making people feel as if they are gaining a deeper
understanding of our world when really they are just moving numbers around on a page.


FAQs:


How will my child be graded?
I have already given your child an F. However, this failure is a symbol of their educational
progress. This progress, in it of itself, is enough for your child to get an A or a B,
depending on whether I like their finger paintings.


Is it true you have multiple doctorates?
No.


My child attended your class and now spends his evenings “pondering the void” instead of playing with his friends. What should I do?
Stand back and be proud. We have nothing left to teach him.