“A Day Without a Mexican” is a documentary about U.S. dependence on Mexico.  I haven’t seen it, but I took the challenge anyway. I was going to go a full day without seeing one Mexican.

Day 1 (2 hours, 4 minutes without a Mexican): Didn’t last very long on the first day. I went through the Olivera Flea Market on my way to work, so I had to close my eyes while driving. My car made it past the market, but the cop who tracked me down was Mexican.

Day 2 (23 hours, 20 minutes): Louis C.K. popped out from behind my bed just as I was about to go to sleep and started masturbating in front of me. I just stood there and cried, because Louis C.K. is half-Mexican and I was so close to going the full day. Anyways, Louis C.K. is my comedy idol.

Day 3 (4 seconds): I can explain this one. Every now and again I wake up in a Tacos Por Favor.

Day 4 (24 minutes): Decided the only way to succeed was to stare at a mirror and nothing else. But after a while, I realized how stupid this whole idea was. I am President Enrique Pena Nieto. Immediate disqualification.