Best Served Cold #


Issue Editor: PKS ’21 -22
Art Editor: 
JLG ’21
Date:
Summer 2021


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TALES OF VENGEANCE

For our upcoming issue, we asked some Lampoon subscribers to write in to share stories about times they got revenge on someone. Here are some classic get-even moments from some of our fans.

“One time at University my mates and I let a real live Breton horse into our meanest professor’s office! I’ll never forget the look on his face when he walked in and saw the mare trotting around his desk.” 

Winston (78), Westfield.

“I had a girl who was so mean to me in class all through middle school, so on the last day of class before Christmas break I tied her hair to her chair. When she tried to get up she fell down, taking the whole desk with her! Everyone called her Pigtail Patty for the rest of the year, until her wealthy/affluent parents paid us to stop.” 

Cheryl (16), New York City.

“It was a look of paralyzing fear. Apparently as a child he lost his father in a horse-riding accident and hadn’t been around one since. He sank to the floor, clutching his chest. Turns out this wasn’t his first heart attack.” 

Winston (78), Westfield.

“He died later that day, but not before the mounted police arrived to apprehend the horse. I had never seen so many horses in such a small office space. I wish I had taken a picture of the whole mess. Once the officer opened fire we knew the prank was one to remember.” 

Winston (78), Westfield.

“It started as a battle of police versus horse, but soon there were no sides, only screaming. A horse doesn’t scream like a man. No, it’s a lower growl of terrified pain and brunt confusion. I hope I never have to hear the sound again, although I’m sure I will. I’m sure we all will, once the equestrian breed realizes its captivity is an illusion backed-up by historical precedent, not true manpower. No, horses have the strength as well as the dominant physical makeup, and when they realize it I’m afraid it will be too late for us all. I fear we won’t last the century. Also, please stop mailing the Lampoon to my house. I cancelled my subscription 30 years ago.

Winston (78), Westfield.

MAG ’21-22