I was lying in bed, trying to work up the courage to masturbate. There was a knock at my window—perfect, Jeremy was here. I undid the latch and went to lie back on my bed, spread eagle, one leg longer than the other.
 
“You’re not Jeremy,” I said, as Jeremy climbed through the window. We liked to pretend he was there to kidnap me. Then a laser vaporized Jeremy’s head, and two green men climbed into my bedroom.
 
The two green men, aliens, as they called themselves, froze my muscles and beamed me up to their ship, which meant that I rode a very long, brightly lit escalator into the sky. They probed me, but not in a way I wasn’t used to. I could hear them communicating telepathically—they wanted to impregnate me and seemed really upset when I thought about my IUD.
 
One alien, Xenon, was particularly attractive, and I wasn’t just saying that because they had turned me on by pumping me full of estrogen and playing freeform jazz. Xenon took me on a tour of the ship and showed me everything—his bedroom and his bed. I thought he trying to seduce me, but the ship was just one big room that everybody slept in.
 
Xenon took me to the window and communicated something about destroying the planet and taking me with him back to his home on Jupiter. I had to tell him that prom was on Saturday, and I had already bought a dress, plus ethically, it wasn’t tickling my fancy.
 
Xenon nodded and beamed me back down to Earth, this time by vaporizing my atoms and re-assembling them in my bedroom. He left me with a kiss and a promise to pick me up again next week for the dance.