Kids, gather round. Sit down. Suzanna, take your thumb out of your mouth. I’ve called you all to the living room because I have some news, and it’s not good for you. I’m going to colonize Mars and you are not coming with me.
 
Wipe your tears. Okay, cry first and then wipe your tears. At least just try to cry. I’ve spoken to your father who is already on his way to Jupiter, so now it’s just you all. Don’t think that because I will be 140 million miles away that I don’t love you. I’m right here and I’m still on the fence about it.
 
Of course, I won’t be leaving immediately. I will be training vigorously for 14 hours a day and also need to hand-select a new family to come with me. My space family will never replace my earth family, but they will definitely be better at performing lab tests, won’t care about things like “the arts,” and will certainly be much more physically attractive.
 
Just remember that this has always been my dream. Leaving you all behind was not part of the plan, at least it wasn’t until I gave birth to each of you. It may be hard for you to contact me while I am living on Mars because I will be busy founding a new colony and playing catch with my perfect sons. Any messages you send could be read by my new children and might make them sad, so just don’t do it. Instead, find comfort in each other, and in your knowledge that I could have taken just one of you, but chose to take none of you.
 
When you begin to miss me, look up at the night sky and picture me smiling down on all of you. Just think, when global warming drowns the continents in the oceans, imagine how grateful I will be that I did not stay behind.