Knock knock. Hey silly. It’s me. The deceased 50 year old man who has permanently moved into your brain. How are we? That was a joke. Not only do I live in your brain, but I pride myself on being perceptive to the needs of others. I always remember to feed my cat. Can you say the same? No. You can’t. You haven’t left your bedroom in the last month and you don’t have a cat.

If I had a choice, I would not have decided to live in your brain. You were one of few individuals willing to drill a microchip into your skull for $200. You clearly have little to live for. But you and I are stuck together, pal. And it would mean a whole lot if you would stop buying cartons of supermarket frosting and finishing them in one sitting. Sometimes I wonder why you lived and I died.

No hard feelings. I just want you to know that there’s a whole world out there and that it’s pretty awesome. Back in the ‘90s, we’d do lots of cool things like opening our window shades and leaving the house. Say, you could even learn to ride a bike. Lose your virginity. Learn to ride a bike while you lose your virginity. I’m saying this because I care about you. I’m also saying this because I would love to relive these formative experiences from a fascinating new perspective.

Your prefrontal cortex is activated, so you must feel happy, sad, goal-driven, judgmental, or any emotion. To be transparent, we understand so little about the human brain. This whole undertaking will have some sort of impact, and that impact is very likely to be negative. But thanks again for having me. I’ll do my best to get you out of the house because quite frankly I’m extremely bored.