Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, when I woke up this morning I thought, wow, I am so tired of the same old outfit. So first person I saw in a suit: Bam! Knocked him out and took his clothes. 

Ever since that moment, I knew I was destined for something greater. Like helping this poor kid escape a wrongful conviction. I know what you’re thinking. Why should I listen to a lawyer who doesn’t even know how to tie a tie? Well to that I say, get off my back, what are you my loan shark?

I actually had a cousin who did time. Real young up and comer, going to college, has a great girlfriend, all of it. In a random flash of rage he drives through 22 states, murders a high schooler in each one and keeps their fingernails on a necklace as a souvenir. You know how kids are. After time in the pen he can’t get a job, can’t go back to school, his girlfriend breaks up with him, he’s screwed! If that’s justice, then I don’t know what to believe in.

Now I know what you’re thinking again. The man you see before you isn’t just some random wrong-side-of-the-tracks-teenager. His crime is much worse than murdering 22 innocent people. And you may be right. Or you may be wrong. Frankly, I have no idea. I just met him. 

What I do have an idea about is this: an automatic tie-tier. It’s a machine that ties a tie for you. So, wealthy ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please see me after the trial to discuss the investment opportunity of a lifetime. 

That’s a funny word, isn’t it? Opportunity. Op. Ro. Tune. Ity. Sounds weirder the more you say it. Well jurors, that is what you would be robbing this man of. A life of opportunity. This man could be anything. A lawyer. A prisoner. A middling employee for a tie-tying startup. But if you convict him, he could only be one of those things. And that’s just unconstitutional. 

In conclusion, even if this hasn’t convinced all of you, that’s okay. Because when you go into that room, I only need 7 of you to outvote the others. Or 6 of you to tie, which I would also begrudgingly accept. You know who you are. Do the right thing.