Okay, so for this one I was going to write about the multi-decade confrontation between the United States and the Soviet Union, but I quickly realized that the freezing cold wart on my hand was bothering me far more. That thing is chilly, whoo, I would ask the doctor to freeze it off but I don’t know how much colder it can even get. Yeowch! It’s so cold that I’m literally writing out the sounds of pain I’m making in this essay as I type, which should explain my obsession with it to some extent.
 
I know this may not exactly be a suitable topic for a college thesis paper, but I feel the endless fixation on conflict and historical events in the History department is getting a bit tired. I will instead choose to exercise the historical skills that I have gained over the past four years to really bring to life the story of how I got this cold wart, what socio-economic factors contributed to its coming about, et cetera.
 
This whole business started when we visited Bikini Atoll, famously the site where the US conducted 23 nuclear weapon tests in the hope of intimidating the Soviet Union, leading to catastrophic environmental damage from radioactive fallout. Talk about a terrible place to take a vacation! The only drink they had was glowing water, and as we asked around, we soon realized that that’s all they drink. All I wanted was a damn margarita to sip on as I chilled on the famous glowing sands of the atoll, but there were none to be found. The stress of this forced sobriety was so great that my skin began to break out in rashes, and my hair started falling out in tufts. I would never have even gone, had the US army not flown me out as part of an unspecified medical study. Given the hell they put me through, I wouldn’t be surprised if the study was researching the long-term effects of not being able to kick back and relax.
 
So in conclusion, the stress of being denied tropical cocktails on a Pacific Island caused me to develop the strange, ever-growing icy wart on the back of my hand that I have alluded to earlier in this paper. I hope you find this paper, if not particularly relevant to the Cold War as a whole, at least serves as a cautionary tale against going on holiday. If I wanted glowing water, I could have just stayed at home and made it with some Strontium tablets or such.