Thank you all so much for showing up to the courthouse this morning, even in the rain. Over the past few decades together, we’ve all learned that there’s a lot to love about this place — the straight-shooting heckler in the back row, the icy water fountain outside bankruptcy court. In the future, I’d also love to get some fun facts going during depositions. 

Historically, I’ve delayed my verdict when I sense a strong community forming. There are also instances when there are bureaucratic delays and for that I apologize. I’m here to tell you today that I have reached a decision because the statute of limitations is about to expire. It’s been the honor of my life getting to bond with all of you, and I’m sure everyone in this room feels the same. This is not something you’ve communicated with your words. Rather, it is a conclusion based on my generous interpretations of your ambiguous actions. 

I’d be remiss not to give a few quick thank yous to everyone who helped me along the way. First of all, huge shoutout to our defendants. It is a sign of maturity to unequivocally admit you are at fault. You were fighting an uphill battle, but you did it with grace and kindness. Second, thank you to our career jurors. Most people would not be willing to dedicate their adult life to discussing a traffic violation. You are a self-selecting group of chronically unemployed individuals and experts in street safety. I couldn’t be more pleased. Lastly, thank you to my parents. You had no role in this case but were very present throughout my childhood.  

When this whole debacle is over, I’d love to treat you all to a barbeque at my place. I must warn you, though, I run a very tight ship in the kitchen — you’re all my guests so no one is allowed to lift a finger! Unless, of course, you really want to. There’s also a great place we could grab drinks a few blocks over. If anyone is uncomfortable with alcohol, message me privately and I’m happy to cancel the entire event. Either way, I’ll love you the same. You’re all the best and this case is a tie.