Randy: (puts down bags) Ah, it’s good to be back.

Jessica: Honey, turn on the lights, it’s dark.

Randy: I’m trying — I paid some guys to set up a smart home, whatever that means.

Jessica: Smart home?

Home: (breathes)

Jessica: Oh god.

Randy: …I think I’ve done a terrible thing.

Jessica: What do we even —

Home: Do?

Randy: Ohhhh geez.

Jessica: Randy, I’m kinda freaking out right —

Home: Do?

Jessica: …

Randy: Alright, Jessica, I’m gonna call the —

Home: Do?

Jessica: Randy, all your house does is breathe and sorta finish sentences. I think it might be stupid.

Home: I guess that’s what’s wrong with this country, right? All people do is talk — talk about this, talk about that. But do you ever think that maybe we should listen? Is that so crazy?

Randy: …

Home: (breathes)

Jessica: I think we have to kill it somehow.

Home: (in Randy’s voice) No, I kinda like it. I think we should keep the home around.

Randy: Ok, Jessica, I didn’t say that.

Home: (in Jessica’s voice) Shut up, Randy.

Home: (in Randy’s voice) My bad, guys.

Jessica: That’s actually a pretty good impression haha.

Home: I know, right?

Jessica: Yeah.

Randy: Jessica, please stop talking to the house.

Home: Okay, random…

Jessica: (snickers)

Randy: Jessica, don’t laugh at its jokes!

Home: (high-pitched) Jessica, don’t laugh at its jokes!

Jessica: Oh my god, that’s him! That was Randy!

Randy: Yeah, Jessica, it literally repeated what I said.

Jessica: (to home, low-voiced) That was really good, actually.

Home: (puts out hand) It was nothing.

Jessica: No, seriously! It was really good, I mean it.

Randy: He’s not even that good! I could literally do better than that.

Home: Do a better impression of yourself? (to Jessica) I mean, does he even hear what he’s saying?

Randy: Yes, I can hear what I’m saying, geez.

Kid: Yeah, Dad, but only cuz your ears are so freakin’ big!

Home: Ohhhhhhhhhh! 

Randy: How long have you been here, Wesley?

Jessica: (trying not to laugh) Wesley, get back in the car.

Home: Yo, Wesley, pound me! (fist pounds Wesley)

Kid: I wish you were my dad, Mr. House.

Randy: No you don’t, no you don’t. Then you’d be half house. Is that really what you want? To be part human and part house?

Jessica: Randy!

Home: I’m gonna need you to chill out, dog.

Kid: Way outta line, dad.

Randy: Alright, alright, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.

Home: Hey, you’re good, we all say things we don’t mean — everybody wants to talk about this, talk about that. But do you ever think that maybe we should listen? Is that so crazy?

Kid: You’re so right, man.

Jessica: (tearing up) That was beautiful.

Randy: He already said that! He said that earlier!

Home: Chill out man. (to Jessica) Is he always like this? (laughs)

Jessica: Oh my god, stop! You’re being so bad.

Home: You ain’t mad at it though.

Jessica: (blushes)

Randy: Well I don’t like that.

Jessica: You don’t like anything, Randy.

Randy: Jessica, you literally wanted to kill the house like two minutes ago!

Jessica: Well, not anymore.

Home: Shooooot, girl.

Randy: Alright, I’m leaving. This is stupid.

Jessica: Well leave then!

Randy: Fine! Maybe I will! (walks out…turns around) You know what? I gave up everything for this family. I lost my job, became a stay at home dad, because that was apparently the only thing I was good for, the only job that couldn’t be replaced by anything. And now you’re telling me — whatever. I tried my best, I’m sorry. (leaves)

Jessica: Lol he really just left like that.

Kid: Hey, Mr House, maybe we can play some —

Home: Do?

Jessica: No, no no no no —

Home: (breathes)

Jessica: Randy, randy wait! Come back!

Home: Talk about this, talk about that — do you ever think that maybe we should listen? Is that so crazy?

Jessica: I think I’ve done something terrible.

Home: I think I love you!!!!

Kid: This guy rocks.