&ndash; Looks like your baby came out of the eugenics machine beautifully.
&ndash; Doctor, that is a white, blonde, blue eyed baby. How could it possibly be mine?
&ndash; That&rsquo;s what the instructions said. Was that not in your order?
&ndash; No! That doesn&rsquo;t make any sense. Why would I ask for that?
&ndash; I don&rsquo;t know! I just assumed you wanted&hellip; you know&hellip;
&ndash; Excuse me?
&ndash; Oh my god, I really messed up. Does this make me racist?
&ndash; Yes it makes you super racist!
&ndash; Jesus, I&rsquo;m so sorry. I don&rsquo;t even know what to do with this baby now.
&ndash; &hellip;Does it still bounce?
&ndash; It is the bounciest baby we have ever made.
&ndash; Why don&rsquo;t I go ahead and take that baby then.
&ndash; Really?
&ndash; But that doesn&rsquo;t mean I don&rsquo;t think this whole situation is super fucked up!
&ndash; Of course, of course. My apologies again. I think I&rsquo;ve learned an important lesson today.
&ndash; Cool. If anyone needs us, we&rsquo;ll be on the roof.

– Looks like your baby came out of the eugenics machine beautifully.
– Doctor, that is a white, blo...

Eugenics

Count:&nbsp;People of Marseilles! For twenty years you unfairly imprisoned me. Now behold my immense wealth, my fabulous travel balloon, and my&nbsp;fine jewels!
Man:&nbsp;Hallo over there, fellow ballooner! Could you please speed up your travel balloon?
Count:&nbsp;Excuse me? I bought this balloon myself and I think I&rsquo;ll go as slow as I like.
Salesman:&nbsp;Having balloon problems? Don&rsquo;t we all! Come on down to the Garage &ndash; free lemonade while you wait!
Police:&nbsp;Move along, move along! The air is for all travel balloons.
Count:&nbsp;I&rsquo;m sorry are there a significant number of these things?
Mayor of Marseilles:&nbsp;Make way for the mayor&rsquo;s travel balloon!
Count:&nbsp;Mayor Villarde! Remember me, you bastard?
Mayor:&nbsp;My god, you escaped!
Count:&nbsp;I challenge you to a duel!
Mayor:&nbsp;Hmmmm, don&rsquo;t see how we would do that in travel balloons but I&rsquo;m sure we can think of something.
Count:&nbsp;You could get off&nbsp;your balloon.
Mayor:&nbsp;Now, now&ndash;- that&rsquo;s no fun.

Count: People of Marseilles! For twenty years you unfairly imprisoned me. Now behold my immense weal...

The Count of Monte Cristo Returns to Marseilles

I&rsquo;m embarking on a quest to personally give a big thumbs-up to the child who made my iPhone.
Day 1: The Flight. I sleep for 13 1&frasl;2 hours of my 14 hour flight to Suzhou, China. I&rsquo;m thinking about what I&rsquo;m gonna do when I find this kid. Then I remember: give him (or her) a big thumbs-up.
Day 2: Finding the Child. Shanghai is a big city, and there are a lot of kids here. It almost seems like any one of them could have made my iPhone. Nǐ zu&ograve; wǒ de iPhone? This is something I looked up on my iPhone, and it means, &ldquo;did you make my iPhone?&rdquo; I start asking.
Day 3: Bump in the Road. I have not been keeping track of the children I ask, and I&rsquo;m starting to ask some repeat kids. It&rsquo;s going to be slow-going finding the kid who made my iPhone unless I step up my organization game. Big time!
Day 4: Shanghai. Shanghai is an expensive city. But I am a very rich man.
Day 5: At the Hotel Bar. A well-groomed Chinese businessman tried to tell me that capitalism
involves a complex network of labor division, and there is not any one person who made my
iPhone, and certainly not a child. I laugh along. &ldquo;I must seem so naive! Kinda like the child who
made your iPhone&ndash; what&rsquo;s his name again?&rdquo; &ldquo;Guō T&aacute;i-m&iacute;ng,&rdquo; he said, before he could stop
himself. Bingo.
Day 7: The Factory. The place was totally empty. No employees, no assembly lines,
nothing. &ldquo;Guō?&rdquo; I shouted, hearing only an echo. Then a small noise from a strange door. I opened it slowly, revealing a gorgeous study lined with mahogany and books. At a desk was a small boy, examining his handiwork with a monocle, making new dints here and there with a small chisel. He looked up at me and smiled. &ldquo;Have you come to give me a big thumbs up?&rdquo; I was dumbfounded. I extended two big thumbs upward. &ldquo;Thanks,&rdquo; he said, &ldquo;I appreciate it.&rdquo; He put down his chisel and gazed out of his window. &ldquo;You know, I really am lucky. Not everyone loves what they do.&rdquo;

I’m embarking on a quest to personally give a big thumbs-up to the child who made my iPhone.
Day 1:...

A Quest

Announcer: In the red corner, he&rsquo;s your favorite all-American punisher, it&rsquo;s Joe &ldquo;Big Guns&rdquo;
Wilson!
Crowd: (cheers)
Announcer: And in the blue corner, he could buy your house and use it as a trash can, it&rsquo;s the
evil Mr. Moneybags!
Crowd: (boos)
Joe: Get ready for a Joe Wilson beat-down, you rich little weasel!
Crowd: (cheers)
Mr. Moneybags: Not before me and my moneybags buy this entire stadium!
Crowd: (boos)
Joe: You make me sick!
Mr. Moneybags: And when I turn it into a synagogue there will be no more wrestling!
Crowd: (boos)
Joe: Oh, yikes&hellip;that&rsquo;s no good. To be clear, that first part is irrelevant, but I definitely won&rsquo;t let
you stop the wrestling!
Crowd: (cheers)
Mr. Moneybags: You dare defy me and my plan to force wrestling fans to give up pork?
Crowd: (boos)
Joe: Uh &ndash; it&rsquo;s not cool to coerce others! I mean if you do kosher, whatever, Joe Wilson doesn&rsquo;t
have a problem with that. But I do have a problem with your plan generally!
Crowd: (silence)
Joe: &hellip;And I&rsquo;m gonna kick your ass!
Crowd: (cheers)
Mr. Moneybags: I&rsquo;m sooooo scared! But what will you do when I tag in the Hollywood Elite?
Joe: I&rsquo;m gonna pulverize them!
Crowd: (cheers)
Joe: As I would any wrestler! And when you read the headlines tomorrow, I&rsquo;m sure it&rsquo;ll be
something like: Joe Wilson pulverizes religiously diverse group of people who have
circumstantially acquired&ndash;
Mr. Moneybags: Enough chit-chat! Let&rsquo;s see you counter The 9-Headed Fire-Sword!
Joe: Oh god, that looks an awful lot like a menorah.
Mr. Moneybags: I don&rsquo;t know what you&rsquo;re talking about. Are you saying your famous Flying
Knee is useless against my Tiny-Felt-Shield-Cap?
Joe: It would be very easy to take you out with the Flying Knee. These are sacred symbols and
I&rsquo;m on national television&hellip;
Announcer: What&rsquo;s this? It looks like Joe Wilson is finally getting some help!
Sleepy Taco Tito: (falls asleep)
Joe: Damnit, Sleepy Taco Tito. You&rsquo;re so lazy.

Announcer: In the red corner, he’s your favorite all-American punisher, it’s Joe “Big Guns”
Wilson!...

Alec Bowman.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Alec Bowman