Welcome to your first day in the CIA. First of all, congratulations. If you&rsquo;re an agent, you must have one of those rare faces that is completely forgettable. Normal eyes with perfectly centered pupils. Normal hair collected in a normal rattail. Really big mouth but your chin is also pretty huge so it looks normal. Ugly, but kissable. The perfect face. But to be a great CIA agent, you can&rsquo;t just be good at disguising yourself. You have to be invisible. That&rsquo;s why the best CIA agents are really good CIA agents who die and come back as ghosts.
Being a CIA agent isn&rsquo;t all poisoning African dictators and throwing South American dictators out of helicopters. Sure, when the mission&rsquo;s on we have to get serious, but that doesn&rsquo;t mean we don&rsquo;t like to hang out at the end of the day at bars and clubs, talking about how hard it is to keep secrets from our children. In fact, we like to say that most of your friends will end up being CIA agents, partly because if you make any other friends then a few weeks later we have to shoot them into space on an exploding rocket. But don&rsquo;t be afraid to make friends a t the FBI, despite what you&rsquo;ve heard about a rivalry. The FBI and the CIA are not in any kind of competition, unless you&rsquo;re talking about the bet over who can secretly kill the most innocent Americans.
I&rsquo;m sure you&rsquo;re wondering what you can tell your wife. You can tell her pretty much anything, except whenever you talk to her you have to do it by recording a video where you are a silhouette and you sound like a monster. You should also probably start training her now to think that blood is something else, like some kind of red rain, because sometimes you will come home with blood all over your shirt. Also, every couple weeks we call her and tell her you died, just to keep things fresh.
Finally, don&rsquo;t try to be a hero and take stupid risks out there; this isn&rsquo;t Mission: Impossible. Or rather, this is only like Mission: Impossible in that we can make anyone&rsquo;s face into a mask.

Welcome to your first day in the CIA. First of all, congratulations. If you’re an agent, you must ha...

Advice For A New CIA Agent

CRAZY PARENTS are a huge problem for all of us. But are your parents crazy in a comedy way, or a regular way? Find out by comparing your situation to the ones below.
COMEDY CRAZY
[Setting &ndash; a banquet hall where a party is taking place]
SON: I really hope that nobody embarrasses me at my birthday party.
DAD: BUTTONS FOR SALE! BUTTONS FOR SALE!
REGULAR CRAZY
[Setting &ndash; a bedroom at four o&rsquo;clock in the morning]
DAD: Son, wake up.
SON: Dad?
DAD: Come downstairs, [silently leaves room]
[Downstairs, dad is sitting at the kitchen table]
SON: Dad? What&rsquo;s going&mdash;
DAD: LimbAA. Dangwee. Lon-gagu._LCW-GA-GA-GA-GA.
MOM: [rushing in] Oh Jesus, his bottle of anti-psychotic medicine is completely full. Jesus, Jesus.

CRAZY PARENTS are a huge problem for all of us. But are your parents crazy in a comedy way, or a reg...

Crazy Parents

Hi everyone. I&rsquo;m Jess&rsquo;s father. Thank you all for coming to Jess&rsquo;s sweet sixteen. It seems like only yesterday that my daughter was fifteen years, eleven months, and twentynine days old. [pause for laughs] All kidding aside, I want to keep this brief and say to my little girl how proud I am to be her father. | Jess, I love you with all my heart, and I thank God every day that I&rsquo;m the lucky guy who gets to be your father, [pulls out gun and shoot neighbor] Everyone stay calm! There&rsquo;s no need to panic. The man I killed is not a human. He is a robot. Look. Look at his chest, [pull out the wires] Do you see these? Robot wires. Ladies and gentlemen, I have reason to believe that eight months ago this robot killed and ate my real human neighbor with the intent to spy on me and my family, and I could not let that happen. I invited him here tonight to confirm once and for all whether he was man or machine, and I did that by studying his response to a tender moment between father and daughter that would sway even the hardest of human hearts. As suspected, this robot did not even bat an eye. I apologize for scaring everyone, but you have to understand that I had to outwit that robot. Please relax and enjoy the rest of the party. Jess, I love you. Also don&rsquo;t forget to- [pull out gun, shoot dentist] Everyone stay calm! That was it. That was the last robot, I promise. Take a look at his wires. This robot was also going to kill me and my family, but it&rsquo;s over now. Anyway, what I was going to say before is don&rsquo;t forget to sign Jess&rsquo;s poster board.

Hi everyone. I’m Jess’s father. Thank you all for coming to Jess’s sweet sixteen. It seems like only...

My Speech For Tonight

GRANDFATHER: Here&rsquo;s a card from me. Happy birthday.
SON: Thanks, grandpa.
MOTHER: Read it aloud!
SON: It says, &ldquo;May all your dreams come true,&rdquo; and on the inside it says, &ldquo;To my dreamcome- true grandson.&rdquo;
FATHER: That&rsquo;s a nice card.
SON: And grandpa wrote, &ldquo;Dear Henry, happy birthday, love Grandpa.&rdquo; And there&rsquo;s a check for nine dollars and thirteen cents. Why that number, Grandpa?
GRANDFATHER: That&rsquo;s how old you are!
SON: I&rsquo;m twelve.
GRANDFATHER: Chocolate whip frame?
FATHER: Okay, time for grandpa to take a nap.
GRANDFATHER: Bye bye.

GRANDFATHER: Here’s a card from me. Happy birthday.
SON: Thanks, grandpa.
MOTHER: Read it aloud!
...

Birthday Card

<div class="text">
BIRTHDAY GIRL:&nbsp; Tonight&rsquo;s been unbelievable. You are honestly the most amazing friends in the world.
CARLA: Well don&rsquo;t thank us just yet!
BIRTHDAY GIRL: What do you mean OH MY GOD CAKE!
CARLA, RACHEL, CHLOE: Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday dear . . .
[Carla, Rachel, and Chloe exchange anxious looks.]
CARLA, RACHEL, CHLOE: . . . muhmmuhmmuh . . . Happy birthday to you!
BIRTHDAY GIRL: . . .
CARLA: And many more!
BIRTHDAY GIRL: . . .
CARLA: Blow out the candles!
RACHEL: Oh my God, yeah! Blow out the candles!
CHLOE: Blow out them candles, birthday girl, woo!
BIRTHDAY GIRL: What did you say my name was?
CHLOE: Huh? What? Candles! Woo!
BIRTHDAY GIRL: In the birthday song, what did you say my name was?
CHLOE: Oh, you know. Your name . . . is what we said.
BIRTHDAY GIRL: And what name was that?
CHLOE: Aw, come on. It&rsquo;s cake time! This is a very yummy-looking cake-
BIRTHDAY GIRL: No, Chloe. What&rsquo;s my name?
CHLOE: Your name . . . is . . . my good friend. My best friend. Hello.
BIRTHDAY GIRL: Chloe!
RACHEL: This is ridiculous; we all know your name.
BIRTHDAY GIRL: If you know it then what is it?
RACHEL: It&rsquo;s, um, I don&rsquo;t know.
BIRTHDAY GIRL: Rachel!
RACHEL: Okay, but in all fairness, though, I thought you didn&rsquo;t know my name.
BIRTHDAY GIRL: I&rsquo;ve known you literally my entire life. Of course I know your name, Rachel.
RACHEL: Okay. Well. Now I know that. I had a false impression, and I will be the first to admit it.
BIRTHDAY GIRL: How about you, Carla? Do you know the name of your own roommate since college?
CARLA: Okay. So hear me out on this. Basically, the thing is, I do not know your name.
BIRTHDAY: I can&rsquo;t believe this! Here I am thinking I&rsquo;m with my best friends in the whole world and you don&rsquo;t even know who I am. I&rsquo;m Sarah. My name is Sarah.
RACHEL: Woo, Sarah! Happy birthday, girl!
CHLOE: Yeah, Sarah!
CARLA: Sarah! Happy birthday, Sarah!
</div>
<div class="clear">&nbsp;</div>
&nbsp;


BIRTHDAY GIRL:  Tonight’s been unbelievable. You are honestly the most amazing friends in the worl...

Birthday Girl

Larry: Power on
Masturbation Bot 3000: (turns on, starts fingering self)&nbsp;
Larry: Jesus&hellip; This is perfect.
Masturbation Bot 3000: (masturbating)
Larry: Oh yeah, baby, I can&rsquo;t wait until I&rsquo;m inside of you.
Masturbation Bot 3000: (masturbating)
Larry: Would you like that? Talk to me, beautiful.
Masurbation Bot 3000: (masturbating)&nbsp;
Larry: Can I fuck you?&nbsp;
Masturbation Bot 3000: (masturbating)
Larry: Oh my god. You don&rsquo;t have a pussy hole. It&rsquo;s basically a MIDI keyboard down here.
Masturbation Bot 3000: (masturbating)
Larry: &hellip; Hello? &hellip; Are you there?
Masturation Bot 3000: (climaxes and powers off)
Larry: (cums in pants, begrudgingly)

Larry: Power on
Masturbation Bot 3000: (turns on, starts fingering self) 
Larry: Jesus… This is pe...

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