Uh oh. I did it again. Fell asleep after all the kids got on the bus, so now I gotta get all these munchkins home in the next ten minutes. My route usually takes two hours, so I&rsquo;ll go a little over double the speed limit. If I don&rsquo;t make it, I&rsquo;m fired for sure &mdash; Principal Malone is super strict about fifteenth time offenses.
&ldquo;Sit down and shut up!&rdquo; I yell to myself after shrieking in fear. The kids are in the back being little angels &mdash; I hope this is a sleep deprived hallucination and they&rsquo;re not already dead. I hit the gas and take a two-minute nap.
Eight minutes left. Kenny&rsquo;s house is first up and it&rsquo;s two miles away. We&rsquo;ll be there in ten seconds. I tell Kenny to aim for the mattress out front. &ldquo;There&rsquo;s no mattress out&mdash;&ldquo; He lands in a bush.
Time to deal with the other thirty-nine. I&rsquo;m hurling kids into their front yards left and right. All the tossing reminds me of my paper route. Oh no. Today is my paper route. And if today&rsquo;s my paper route that means it&rsquo;s milk delivery day too. I was wondering why the bus had more milk than normal.
Two minutes left. There&rsquo;s 180 kids in the back with an entire home owners&rsquo; association and that&rsquo;s not including my side-gig cab fares.
I blink and look back. No kids. No seatbelts. No seats. No bus. It was slowing me down. I&rsquo;m running with the last kid on my nude back. Aerodynamics. I&rsquo;ve got twenty seconds left. The kid&rsquo;s screaming something about him being Principal Malone and how the kids were supposed to go to a museum. I&rsquo;m not listening though &mdash; it&rsquo;s nap time.

Uh oh. I did it again. Fell asleep after all the kids got on the bus, so now I gotta get all these m...

Goin’ West

To Our Valued Customers,
I regret to inform you that here at Frank&rsquo;s Drugstore and Candy Emporium will be closing our doors for good this Friday. After only a handful of months and a couple dozen handfuls of lawsuits, I&nbsp;find that we can no longer provide for your pharmaceutical and/or sugar-tooth needs.
I, Frank &ldquo;Candyman&rdquo; Jerrigan, started this store with one simple goal: to make drugstores more fun. Also, to make candy stores more serious. I envisioned kids&nbsp;finding their Smarties in the same aisle that their parents found their Vicodin. I fantasized about Xanax in Pez dispensers and M&amp;Ms in pill bottles. I had a wet dream of a fondue fountain overflowing with chocolate&nbsp;flavored cough syrup.
Today, that dream, like several of my former customers, dies. It&rsquo;s tough to say where it all went wrong. Personally, I blame&nbsp;fluctuations in global mint prices over quarter three of&nbsp;fiscal year 2016 that undermined East Asian supply chains and destabilized the prescription hemorrhoid cream market. Others point to the numerous cases of preschool- ers found in opium dens after developing opiate addictions from my patented Mystery Bags O&rsquo; Fun.
As far as our remaining assets go, we have none. But I&rsquo;d like to end with a note on dreams. Dreams are really powerful. Especially when you&rsquo;ve consistently mistaken Valium for Tic Tacs.
And with that, I&rsquo;d like to bid adieu to what few customers we still have and invite all of you to the grand opening of my new store, Sex Toys &lsquo;R Us.
Signed, Frank &ldquo;Sex Toy&rdquo; Jerrigan

To Our Valued Customers,
I regret to inform you that here at Frank’s Drugstore and Candy Emporium w...

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Dylan McDonough