Today is the big day I prove to everyone down by the pond that I&rsquo;m tough enough to be here, and you know what that means: challenging the toughest guy at the pond to a staring contest. The toughest guy at the pond is the Sun.
&nbsp;
Competition is about intimidation. I walk out having drank 63 oz of pond water and I&rsquo;m pissing wildly in every direction, but with nearly no force. I can only maintain the pee for thirty minutes, so I rip off my shades and stare directly into the Sun. It bursts into flames. Nice, a point for me. I burst into flames. We&rsquo;ll count that as a point for me as well.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
Halfway through the contest I realize I&rsquo;m getting a phone call. Halfway through the phone call I realize it&rsquo;s the sound of the flames, and that I should cool down if I&rsquo;m to continue staring into the Sun. I try distraction and blow a kiss towards the Sun. He doesn&rsquo;t blink, but the pond people go wild. For those keeping score, it&rsquo;s seventeen-to-one in my favor. Match point.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
All the pond people gather around and take sides. Pond Henry and Pond Leah start filling their goodie bags with tiger lillies. They&rsquo;re backing me. All of the Pond Vietnamese monks begin lighting themselves on fire. They&rsquo;re backing me as well.&nbsp;
&nbsp;
After a light eternity, I blink. The Sun blinks. We both go blind. We call it a draw, but the pond people seem to think otherwise. The point system works in reverse so it looks like I&rsquo;ve ended up with twenty-five bonus points while the Sun has burst into flames.
&nbsp;
I hear the pond people chanting my name in celebration. It&rsquo;s uplifting, but would be more so if my name weren&rsquo;t &ldquo;Fuck The Sun, Fuck That Damn Sun, Fuck Everyone Who Ever Doubted You, Fuck the Whole System In Fact! Even More So, Fuck God! Fuck All of the Gods! Specifically, Fuck The Sun God! I&rsquo;m not scared to say it: Fuck God! There! I said it!&rdquo;
&nbsp;
It is a very common name by the pond, so they may have been chanting to someone else.

Today is the big day I prove to everyone down by the pond that I’m tough enough to be here, and you ...

Staring Contest

ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis has left the building!&rdquo;
TEENAGE FANS: &ldquo;(Scream)!&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis has forgotten his coat and has now reentered the building!&rdquo;
TEENAGE FANS: &ldquo;(Scream)!&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis has left the building, again.&rdquo;
SECURITY: &ldquo;All right, everyone, clear out.&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis has locked his keys in his car and has, again, reentered the building!&rdquo;
TEENAGE FANS: &ldquo;Really?&rdquo;
SECURITY: &ldquo;Oh.&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis is now inside the building, looking for a coathanger!&rdquo;
TEENAGE FANS: &ldquo;Use my coat, Elvis!&rdquo; &ldquo;Ooooh! No! Use mine!&rdquo; &ldquo;Here&rsquo;s a coathanger, Elvis!&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis has now left the building for a third time.&rdquo;
TEENAGE FANS: &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t even get to see him.&rdquo; &ldquo;He took my coathanger! Did you all see that? He&rsquo;s so dreamy!&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: Elvis still can&rsquo;t&nbsp;open his car and has yet again reentered the building, now in tears!&rdquo;
GROUP OF BULLIES: &ldquo;Ha ha! Elvis, what a baby! Why don&rsquo;t you get out of the building, Elvis? It&rsquo;s&nbsp;our&nbsp;building.&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis has left the building!&rdquo;
TEENAGE FANS: &ldquo;What a pansy.&rdquo;

ANNOUNCER: “Elvis has left the building!”
TEENAGE FANS: “(Scream)!”
ANNOUNCER: “Elvis has forgotte...

Elvis Has Left the Building

Okay, so you&rsquo;re in the cafeteria. They&rsquo;re serving peas. The boy across from you is throwing peas like an expert into your milk carton. Proper etiquette response is, &ldquo;Cool, Man!&rdquo;
A girl you do not like asks you to her dumb birthday party. What does etiquette say to do? Etiquette says, &ldquo;Out-o-sight, man! I&rsquo;ll be there.&rdquo; Then don&rsquo;t go. If your Mom finds out and makes you go, act weird at the party and make sure everyone can tell you&rsquo;ve been crying. If the party is at Shakey&rsquo;s, don&rsquo;t eat any pizza, and don&rsquo;t eat cake no matter what! Or you&rsquo;ll have to be friends. Don&rsquo;t say thank-you to the dumb Mom.
Okay, enough free stuff. Here are your questions.
<hr class="wp-block-separator" />
Dear Missy Manners:
My Grandma gives me the wrong stuff, but I kiss her anyway. Then, later, my mom makes me write thank you notes. Is this etiquette?
Gentle Reader:
First, when you get the wrong stuff, kiss Grandma but make sure she knows she screwed up. Say &ldquo;Cool, Grandma&hellip;&rdquo;, then go sit alone in your room and don&rsquo;t take the present with you. If your mom makes you write a note, etiquette says write it like, &ldquo;Thank you for the present. I hate Mommy. I love you even though.&rdquo;
<hr class="wp-block-separator" />
Dear Missy Manners:
My mom makes me have my birthday party with the red-headed boy because we have the same birthday. This is not fair!
Gentle Reader:
When the moms cut the cake and the boy&rsquo;s mom hands the first piece to you, don&rsquo;t eat it like it has cooties. Say, like etiquette, &ldquo;Give it to Dee&rdquo; and cry when they ask why. When Dee tries to get another piece say &ldquo;You have had enough.&rdquo; This is okay, because your mom knows you really hate this boy, but she is being cheap with the other mother, so she feels guilty. Don&rsquo;t say anything in the car home. Then say, &ldquo;this is the worst birthday ever&rdquo;. This will make mom cry.

Okay, so you’re in the cafeteria. They’re serving peas. The boy across from you is throwing peas lik...

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