Good evening students. I&rsquo;d like to begin by thanking those of you who showed up to this lecture. I guess the rest of your classmates decided they&rsquo;d rather spend Thanksgiving with their families! (light laughter) I&rsquo;m here today to talk about myths, and how I am living inside of one.
Now, you don&rsquo;t need to have a PhD to say that human life and mythology share some common features. I say this all time and I am illiterate. Truly anyone can say anything, anytime. But rather than talk about that, I&rsquo;d like to talk about the time I was approached at a very young age by a hideous old goblin, who told me I could save my starving family by following him into the forest. Next slide, please.
He had two holes where his nose should be, and scraggly white hair where his eyes should be. One touch of his wrinkled, leathery hands was enough to make you want to vomit, as I frequently did when he began to appear in my shower every morning for a month. You can see a close up of his fingers here, and here. You could call that fateful day when I followed him into his woodsy hovel my &ldquo;Call to Adventure&rdquo; if you will, and the subsequent twelve years I spent trying to escape his labyrinth my &ldquo;Adventure.&rdquo; Next slide.
But just because I endured a series of trials and hardships does not make me a hero. Refugees and homeless people are certainly not heroes, for example. A hero is marked above all by good deeds. Here&rsquo;s a shot of me really just going to town on this centaur I had to fight in the labyrinth. Next slide. Ah, and here&rsquo;s a shot of me signing the agreement to let Schmekel the Goblin &ldquo;have his way&rdquo; with my first-born daughter every spring, in exchange for my freedom. The sucker let me go immediately after that. Next slide.
(picture of a playground slide) Oops, wrong &ldquo;slide.&rdquo; (winking, light laughter) My daughter in the audience is gonna kill me for all these &ldquo;Dad jokes,&rdquo; right Melissa? Wave to the students. That&rsquo;s my daughter. Wave, Melissa. Okay, next slide.
Okay, and this is actually the wrong slide. Please go one forward. There, this is me standing next to the centaur&rsquo;s dead body.
Now I&rsquo;d like to argue that the patterns we find in mythology are universal and could be psychoanalyzed to reflect humanity&rsquo;s deepest desires, though because I started this lecture an hour late I&rsquo;ll instead just wrap things up with the quick argument that my experience was the one true Hero&rsquo;s Journey, and I am the one true hero. Thank you, all.

Good evening students. I’d like to begin by thanking those of you who showed up to this lecture. I g...

Guest Lecture by Joseph Campbell at University of Chicago, Transcript 11/24/68

Bad Cop: We have your fingerprints on the gun, the doorknob, and the victim, punk.
Good Cop: Hey just wanted to let you know we do not have your fingerprints on the gun, the doorknob, or the victim.
&lsquo;By the Book&rsquo; Cop: Goddammit I&rsquo;m getting this man an attorney.
Loose-Cannon Cop: He can have three attorneys for all I care. I&rsquo;ll still walk his ass straight to the slammer.
Old&ndash;Pete Cop: Back in my day we didn&rsquo;t have slammers, we just had one big hole.
&lsquo;Just tryna make it to the end of the day&rsquo; Cop: Look, I&rsquo;m just tryna make it to the end of the day, can we&mdash;
&lsquo;Throwing his Coffee&rsquo; Cop: Wait, you let this princess on the team?
Commissioner Cop: I know he is but he&rsquo;s the best we&rsquo;ve got.
&lsquo;I Know He is But He&rsquo;s the Best We&rsquo;ve Got&rsquo; Cop: (lights cigarette)
&lsquo;The New Guy&rsquo; Cop: I don&rsquo;t like coffee yet.
Horse-Mounted Cop: (rides in on horse) Well I just, hRode in from the pasture and&ndash; I do declayuh,&mdash;
FBI-Mole Cop: Man I would haate it if someone from the FBI were here right now.
Confused Cop: I&rsquo;m a cop. You&rsquo;re a cop. He&rsquo;s a cop.
Childrens&rsquo; Book Cop: I&rsquo;m a cop. You&rsquo;re a cop. He&rsquo;s a cop. Bwee-oop bwee-oop bwee-oop.
Recently Divorced Cop: You can rat out your partner and walk outta hear right now but you can&rsquo;t have the goddamn dog!
Drug Dog: (dog noises)
Undercover Cop: Eyy Billy. Don&rsquo;t you worry, long as we keep talkin&rsquo; into these wires ain&rsquo;t nothing these cops can do to nobody (zips up hoodie).
Jelly-Donut Cop: Mmm om homf nom nop om nop clop.
Mall Cop: Hey, Jelly-Donut Cop they have better donuts at Cinnabon.
Jelly-Donut Cop: Wait, what the hell did you just call me?
Juggling Guns Cop: Man I sure hope these stop going off soon.
&lsquo;Lost the Key to His Handcuffs&rsquo; Cop: (internally) Just play it cool. Hold still, and no one will notice your head handcuffed to your leg.
&lsquo;Why Are There So Many Fucking Cops?&rsquo; Cop: Hey I gotta question why are there so many fucking cops?
Lonely Cop: I don&rsquo;t know, but we better get some more cops in here.
Billy the Murderer: I did it.
&lsquo;Just tryna make it to the end of the day&rsquo; Cop: Look, I&rsquo;m just tryna make it to the end of the day&mdash;
SWAT-Team Cop: (crashes through window) Oh God, I killed the new guy.
Jelly-Donut Cop: Yum.

Bad Cop: We have your fingerprints on the gun, the doorknob, and the victim, punk.
Good Cop: Hey ju...

John Ball.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

John Ball