I was only five years old when my grandpappy taught me how to shoot a gun. &ldquo;Pull the trigger and end my suffering,&rdquo; he begged me, holding the barrel to his head. And I did.
A year later, my father gave me my first horse, for going to school. It was dead, and I had to drag its lifeless body eighty miles to school every day. This was because I lived in a very rural area without a bus that I was allowed to bring dead horses on. All the kids made fun of me, since I didn&rsquo;t fit in with them socially. Also, because of my unorthodox views on assisted suicide.
As a teenager, my job was to herd cattle. I spent a lot of time chasing cows, because they liked to play tag. When I was out there in the fields, I loved to sing songs about home on the range, like &ldquo;Take Me Home, Country Roads&rdquo; and &ldquo;Yakety Sax.&rdquo;
I will never forget the day that I turned 18 and became a man, as it marked the end of a very long stretch of hormone treatment culminating in gender reassignment surgery. I had to perform this surgery to finish my medical school education, which is in my opinion the mark of a true man. On my birthday, father gifted me his old whip, signifying that he was going to retire and I would take over the family business of being a dominatrix. The whip was 100% human leather, which is to say that humans made it, out of cow leather.
Later, I met my wife at the local general store, where I was buying extra-small condoms and she was buying one huge dental dam. I knew our relationship would never work out, because of the differences in our interests and races. She was a Native American, and I was a racist. You have to understand that this was a different time when everyone was intolerant, so for me to have been considered a racist back then meant I was extremely, extremely racist.
Anyways, my wife didn&rsquo;t like how I always called her &ldquo;Indian,&rdquo; telling me that the proper term was &ldquo;Ashkenazi Jewish.&rdquo; I knew my father would never approve of our marriage, as he did not believe straight couples should marry until everyone had the right to marry. Sure enough, our romance soon ended after she died of dysentery. But not immediately afterwards.
Yes, in those days, my home was on the range, and my house was repossessed by the bank during the Asian financial crisis of 1997. I lived in Kansas at the time; this is just to give you some temporal context. I worked during the day, and at night I cut loose at my favorite watering hole: a big pool of dirty water by the broken Exxon pipeline. All in all, I&rsquo;ve loved being a Cowboy, and I especially loved bringing the Super Bowl trophy to Dallas in 1972, as a deliveryman.

I was only five years old when my grandpappy taught me how to shoot a gun. “Pull the trigger and end...

The Life of a Cowboy

Even though it&rsquo;s harder than ever before to be a woman, it&rsquo;s easier than ever to be a feminist. Back in the olden times, being a feminist meant not wearing any makeup, not shaving your legs, and shaving your head in order to be more equal to bald men. Nowadays, it is also feminist to blow all the guys on the basketball team (I am one away from achieving this). People shouldn&rsquo;t call me a slut, but if they did, that would be fine with me, because of my feminism.
One big achievement of my feminism is that men can be feminist too. Let&rsquo;s do a little thought experiment. Imagine a feminist. Did you imagine a man, or a woman? A woman, right? No. The feminist I was thinking of was a gay man. That&rsquo;s fucked up. Men can be feminist in lots of ways, such as being gay, working as a male nurse, and saying thank you after sex.
Another part of my feminism is &ldquo;leaning in,&rdquo; and the main tenet of &ldquo;lean in&rdquo; feminism is leaning in so hard to the boardroom table at a business meetings that you repeatedly bash your head into the table, rendering yourself unconscious and allowing the men to have the meeting as planned without hearing the voices of women.
True, corporate feminism only benefits a small, select group of women, but this is not a problem if you are a part of that group. You should demand to be treated so much like a man that you are then able to subjugate other women. As such, if you choose to have children, you should forget about their existences as soon as they are born and pass them off to a female caretaker of lower social status than yourself. Try and remember your children&rsquo;s names at least until they&rsquo;re seventeen years old, so that you can give their names to admissions officers when you&rsquo;re making the large donation that will assure them a spot at an Ivy League college.
Maybe my feminism doesn&rsquo;t sound so great. But just remember, it is great. And even if it was not, it&rsquo;s the best that I have, and also gender is made-up concept which does nothing but limit the range of human possibilities, and also all theoretical discussions are irrelevant and futile given that we live in a Matrix-style virtual reality in which certain unknowable godlike forces determine what we take to meaningful or even existent at all.
This being said, the key platform of my feminism is these 100 issues:
Emergency contraception. Plan B should be renamed Plan A.
Body image. Women can come in all shapes and sizes, like pear, apple, pineapple, inverted triangle, helix, small square, tallpointy, backwards, sconce, scone, moan, pone, and those are all of them. Advertisements set an unrealistic standard for women&rsquo;s bodies; for example, when I see an ad for a sleek car or a silver watch, I think to myself, &ldquo;There&rsquo;s no way I could look like that.&rdquo;
Telling women to smile. Whenever I get my photo taken, people tell me to smile. As a feminist statement, I always stick my tongue out and pretend to choke to death as the picture is being taken. This ruins every photo that I am in. It&rsquo;s so unfair that there aren&rsquo;t any photos of me in which I am not pretending to choke and die.
Sex. Sex is power, power is electricity, electricity is when a charge is placed in a non-zero electric field whose magnitude is given by Coulomb&rsquo;s Law, and&hellip; I lost track of where this was going.
Representation. It is so important to see women around you. However, I almost never see other women, especially when I&rsquo;m standing alone in the middle of a large cornfield. Why are all scarecrows men? When I turn on the television, I never see women; I only see static, because I haven&rsquo;t paid my cable bill in months. However, I can tell from reading old copies of TV Guide from 2002 that women are only offered certain roles: the hot sidekick, the hot love interest, the hot crazy girl, the hot nerd, and the hot old crone feeding pigeons on the street who appears in the background in one scene. Women should be able to play whatever roles they want, especially if that role is stuffing their clothing with hay and standing in a field for 24 hours a day to ward off birds.
Abortion. I know that as a feminist, I&rsquo;m supposed to support abortion and get as many abortions as possible. But do I have to like it? To be honest, I feel kind of weird about impregnating myself every month, only to get an abortion the next. Six abortions a year (seven on a leap year) takes a toll.
Mansplaining. Whenever I go to Planned Parenthood to get my free abortion, as was promised to me by the Founding Mothers, the male doctors always says, &ldquo;I think you are getting too many abortions.&rdquo; Then when I plug my ears and scream unceasingly for as long as I can, the male doctors are always interrupting me, saying, &ldquo;Stop!&rdquo; and &ldquo;Hold her down!&rdquo;
Gendered toys. Why do boys and girls need different toys? When I was a kid, my brothers all got chemistry sets for Christmas, while I got no gifts and instead fashioned a small doll out of loose hairs I gathered from the floor. It kept falling apart. I think anyone could play with that toy, and grow up to be the accomplished chemist I am today.
Gendered soaps. Why do men and women need different soaps? When I was a kid, the only soap I used was thrown to me in a bucket as I was kept in a very deep hole.
Wage gap. Every time I make $1, I immediately deposit it at the bank. After I hand it over, I have no idea where it goes, and I have no money.
I know that we said there were 100 issues facing women today and I have named 10, but this, in itself, is an important lesson about being a woman: always exaggerate how bad it is, or else no one will listen to you

Even though it’s harder than ever before to be a woman, it’s easier than ever to be a feminist. Back...

My Feminism

Me: Hello, I&rsquo;m here to catch the midnight train to Georgia.
Station Manager: Well, it will be here in one minute. It&rsquo;s 11:59.
Me: Okay, I&rsquo;ll wait.
Station Manager: So, where are you headed?
Me: Georgia.
&hellip;
&hellip;
Me: (whistles)
Station Manager: (looks at his watch)
&hellip;
&hellip;
Me: Is the train here yet?
Station Manager: Oh. It&rsquo;s 12:01. You just missed it.

Me: Hello, I’m here to catch the midnight train to Georgia.
Station Manager: Well, it will be here ...

Midnight Train

I was so excited when I got my&nbsp;first pair of sun-glasses, because I was able to see things that were very far away as if they were up close, in the sun. &ldquo;Are you much of a birdwatcher?&rdquo; the shop owner asked when I bought them. What an idiot, I thought. &ldquo;These are for seeing in the sun,&rdquo; I told him. &ldquo;Well, yes,&rdquo; he replied, and rang up the rest of my purchase&ndash;a book about birds and a pair of glasses that had really dark lenses&ndash;in silence.
The book about birds proved to be an okay gift&nbsp;for my niece, Karl, and the glasses with dark lenses were excellent for shutting out the light when I wanted to go to sleep at night. But best of all were my sunglasses, which I wore every day. I had only three complaints. First, after using my sunglasses to look directly into the sun, as I liked to see it very close up, I developed irreversible macular degeneration. Secondly, instead of making me appear more cool, as I had heard would happen, men often became angry when I approached them wearing my sunglasses, which I used to look directly at their crotches, as I liked to see their crotches very close up.

I was so excited when I got my first pair of sun-glasses, because I was able to see things that were...

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Alice Ju