ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis has left the building!&rdquo;
TEENAGE FANS: &ldquo;(Scream)!&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis has forgotten his coat and has now reentered the building!&rdquo;
TEENAGE FANS: &ldquo;(Scream)!&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis has left the building, again.&rdquo;
SECURITY: &ldquo;All right, everyone, clear out.&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis has locked his keys in his car and has, again, reentered the building!&rdquo;
TEENAGE FANS: &ldquo;Really?&rdquo;
SECURITY: &ldquo;Oh.&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis is now inside the building, looking for a coathanger!&rdquo;
TEENAGE FANS: &ldquo;Use my coat, Elvis!&rdquo; &ldquo;Ooooh! No! Use mine!&rdquo; &ldquo;Here&rsquo;s a coathanger, Elvis!&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis has now left the building for a third time.&rdquo;
TEENAGE FANS: &ldquo;I didn&rsquo;t even get to see him.&rdquo; &ldquo;He took my coathanger! Did you all see that? He&rsquo;s so dreamy!&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: Elvis still can&rsquo;t&nbsp;open his car and has yet again reentered the building, now in tears!&rdquo;
GROUP OF BULLIES: &ldquo;Ha ha! Elvis, what a baby! Why don&rsquo;t you get out of the building, Elvis? It&rsquo;s&nbsp;our&nbsp;building.&rdquo;
ANNOUNCER: &ldquo;Elvis has left the building!&rdquo;
TEENAGE FANS: &ldquo;What a pansy.&rdquo;

ANNOUNCER: “Elvis has left the building!”
TEENAGE FANS: “(Scream)!”
ANNOUNCER: “Elvis has forgotte...

Elvis Has Left the Building

Okay, so you&rsquo;re in the cafeteria. They&rsquo;re serving peas. The boy across from you is throwing peas like an expert into your milk carton. Proper etiquette response is, &ldquo;Cool, Man!&rdquo;
A girl you do not like asks you to her dumb birthday party. What does etiquette say to do? Etiquette says, &ldquo;Out-o-sight, man! I&rsquo;ll be there.&rdquo; Then don&rsquo;t go. If your Mom finds out and makes you go, act weird at the party and make sure everyone can tell you&rsquo;ve been crying. If the party is at Shakey&rsquo;s, don&rsquo;t eat any pizza, and don&rsquo;t eat cake no matter what! Or you&rsquo;ll have to be friends. Don&rsquo;t say thank-you to the dumb Mom.
Okay, enough free stuff. Here are your questions.
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Dear Missy Manners:
My Grandma gives me the wrong stuff, but I kiss her anyway. Then, later, my mom makes me write thank you notes. Is this etiquette?
Gentle Reader:
First, when you get the wrong stuff, kiss Grandma but make sure she knows she screwed up. Say &ldquo;Cool, Grandma&hellip;&rdquo;, then go sit alone in your room and don&rsquo;t take the present with you. If your mom makes you write a note, etiquette says write it like, &ldquo;Thank you for the present. I hate Mommy. I love you even though.&rdquo;
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Dear Missy Manners:
My mom makes me have my birthday party with the red-headed boy because we have the same birthday. This is not fair!
Gentle Reader:
When the moms cut the cake and the boy&rsquo;s mom hands the first piece to you, don&rsquo;t eat it like it has cooties. Say, like etiquette, &ldquo;Give it to Dee&rdquo; and cry when they ask why. When Dee tries to get another piece say &ldquo;You have had enough.&rdquo; This is okay, because your mom knows you really hate this boy, but she is being cheap with the other mother, so she feels guilty. Don&rsquo;t say anything in the car home. Then say, &ldquo;this is the worst birthday ever&rdquo;. This will make mom cry.

Okay, so you’re in the cafeteria. They’re serving peas. The boy across from you is throwing peas lik...

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