Ever since I was little, I wanted a vanagon. I worked for&nbsp;fifty years to get one &mdash; mailroom all the way up to manager &mdash; and now my shitty kid won&rsquo;t stop fucking his girlfriend in it. I&rsquo;m pretty sure he knows I know. My pride and joy, defiled every night by my teenage son and his girlfriend, who he met because they both play oboe in the high school band. I tried sleeping in it to deter him, but he just used the front seat. Not a fun wakeup.
I guess that&rsquo;s the thing with dreams, you know? The more you build it up in your head, the worse it is when your seventeen year old son&nbsp;fingerblasts his girlfriend in it

Ever since I was little, I wanted a vanagon. I worked for fifty years to get one — mailroom all the ...

Vanagon

The Royal We was a sitcom about King Arthur and his loyal knight and roommate Sir Elton John
Episode 1
Arthur discovers a mysterious stain on his Holy Grail. Unbeknownst to Arthur, Elton&rsquo;s been using the grail to feed his secret pet, which he tries to sneak out of the house in a pillowcase. Arthur catches him in the act and pulls the pet out, revealing a large dragon which chases him around and shrugs at the camera a lot. &ldquo;Yakety Sax&rdquo; featured prominently in this episode.
Episode 2
Arthur and Elton both develop a crush on a wench at the local gruel joint. They each try to win her affection, with Arthur offering her a spot as his queen, and Elton romantically telling her he&rsquo;s gay. Things escalate: Arthur and George&rsquo;s house becomes divided, and the two engage in emotional and actual warfare until the wench makes her decision. She likes them equally.
Episode 3
The pair adopt an orphan boy, and begin parenthood by going to his&nbsp;first day of kindergarten. Arthur and Elton quickly become popular &ndash; amazing the kids with their chivalry and sexually-ambiguous living situation &ndash; and they become co-principals of the school. They hand the mantle of principal on to the orphan boy as a sign of their love. The school collapses in a day.
Episode 4
Elton and Arthur try to sneak into a movie. While forming their plan Arthur does some cheeky one-liners, but Elton does way more cocaine than that. Elton sits on Arthur&rsquo;s shoulders and they wear a huge trench coat to disguise themselves as an adult. A child runs into the theater shouting, &ldquo;Help, I need an adult to disarm the bomb in the orphanage!&rdquo; Elton sees that the jig is up and reveals that he can&rsquo;t help because he and Arthur are not an adult.
Episode 5
Elton decides to&nbsp;fly to the big city to try and &ldquo;make it&rdquo;. Arthur tries to replace Elton, but&nbsp;finds it ineffective to hang out with inanimate objects or himself dressed as Elton. Arthur, determined to get his friend back, hops on Elton&rsquo;s pet dragon and boards Elton&rsquo;s plane in mid-air. The pilot sees the legendary king on a dragon and passes out after a very specific set of PTSD&nbsp;flashbacks. Arthur and Elton&nbsp;fight through the ensuing laugh track to get to the cockpit, and Elton mutters &ldquo;Elton ain&rsquo;t goin&rsquo; nowhere, baby&rdquo; as they&nbsp;fly into the sunset.

The Royal We was a sitcom about King Arthur and his loyal knight and roommate Sir Elton John
Episod...

The Royal We

Me: Hello, I&rsquo;m here to catch the midnight train to Georgia.
Station Manager: Well, it will be here in one minute. It&rsquo;s 11:59.
Me: Okay, I&rsquo;ll wait.
Station Manager: So, where are you headed?
Me: Georgia.
&hellip;
&hellip;
Me: (whistles)
Station Manager: (looks at his watch)
&hellip;
&hellip;
Me: Is the train here yet?
Station Manager: Oh. It&rsquo;s 12:01. You just missed it.

Me: Hello, I’m here to catch the midnight train to Georgia.
Station Manager: Well, it will be here ...

Midnight Train

To Our Valued Customers,
I regret to inform you that here at Frank&rsquo;s Drugstore and Candy Emporium will be closing our doors for good this Friday. After only a handful of months and a couple dozen handfuls of lawsuits, I&nbsp;find that we can no longer provide for your pharmaceutical and/or sugar-tooth needs.
I, Frank &ldquo;Candyman&rdquo; Jerrigan, started this store with one simple goal: to make drugstores more fun. Also, to make candy stores more serious. I envisioned kids&nbsp;finding their Smarties in the same aisle that their parents found their Vicodin. I fantasized about Xanax in Pez dispensers and M&amp;Ms in pill bottles. I had a wet dream of a fondue fountain overflowing with chocolate&nbsp;flavored cough syrup.
Today, that dream, like several of my former customers, dies. It&rsquo;s tough to say where it all went wrong. Personally, I blame&nbsp;fluctuations in global mint prices over quarter three of&nbsp;fiscal year 2016 that undermined East Asian supply chains and destabilized the prescription hemorrhoid cream market. Others point to the numerous cases of preschool- ers found in opium dens after developing opiate addictions from my patented Mystery Bags O&rsquo; Fun.
As far as our remaining assets go, we have none. But I&rsquo;d like to end with a note on dreams. Dreams are really powerful. Especially when you&rsquo;ve consistently mistaken Valium for Tic Tacs.
And with that, I&rsquo;d like to bid adieu to what few customers we still have and invite all of you to the grand opening of my new store, Sex Toys &lsquo;R Us.
Signed, Frank &ldquo;Sex Toy&rdquo; Jerrigan

To Our Valued Customers,
I regret to inform you that here at Frank’s Drugstore and Candy Emporium w...

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