What they don’t tell you about starting antidepressants is that sometimes you’ll try to kill yourself. You’ll try to kill yourself regardless, but with antidepressants it’s sort of a get-it-out-of-the-way-sooner-rather-than-later-but-still-make-those-horse-cops-in-central-park-mad-when-you-try-to-overdose-during-the-marathon thing. Antidepressants also make music sound awesome for a few days but then your vagina is just dry all the time.

I started on Lexapro but my psychiatrist switched me to Zoloft because of all the weight gain. I told him I’d rather be an institutionalized 115 than an alive 135. Now I only have to deal with the constant jaw clenching, which my muscle relaxers help with, but between you and me, I just stick with poppers.

Yeah, SSRIs just make psychedelics not work, so it’s all the brain toxicity and none of the pretty colors. I still take drugs though. I’m not going to just not take drugs.

Oh, what was that? Sorry, no what I really meant to say is, threaten to kill my parents all you want—I won’t be paying the ransom. I don’t think I’ve felt an emotion since March.