Apocalypseball Official Rules
As seen in: Mutually Assured Destruction #
- Field of play
- Standard dimensions: 63,000 square miles.
- Playing surface: rubble or wasteland both officially accepted.
- Scoring
- Rebuilding a road: 1 point.
- Rebuilding a school: 2 points.
- Rebuilding a school from behind the three-point line: 3 points.
- Rebuilding a city: 6 points, followed by the opportunity to kick an extra point or “go for two” (add parking enforcement, poor drainage, overcrowding, and noise pollution to the city for increased resemblance to pre-apocalyptic urban life).
- Kicking a piece of rubble through the ruins of an archway: 1 goal.
- Goal-to-points conversion ratio: depends on foreign exchange rate.
- Existence of foreign exchange rate: depends on tenuous state of post-apocalyptic intergovernmental peace.
- Hitting a piece of rubble over a crumbling retaining wall: 1 run, unless there are survivors on base (in which case, go help them, obviously; this is recorded as an assist.)
- Fouls
- Violations of international law: 15-yard penalty.
- Traveling: this is good; allows redistribution of surviving population. No longer a foul under most recent rules revisions.
- Forming a band of rogues to try to capitalize on the power vacuum associated with the end of the world: red card, unless it ends up becoming the basis for the plot of a really good movie (in which case, yellow card).
- Stepping over the line while rebuilding a road: bad luck.
- Segregating the school you have just rebuilt: 162-game suspension.
- Notes
- Apocahockey, a common variation, follows all previous rules but is usually played in colder climates.
- I miss basketball.