Lindsey: It is so hot that you speak French, Jack. Jack: Ah, but how else would I order . . . la cr&egrave;me br&ucirc;l&eacute;e? (both laughing) Customer: Aidez-moi! Ma bague de mariage! [Help me! My wedding ring!] Waiter: Does anybody speak French in here? Lindsey: Jack does! Help him, Jack! Jack: Yes, ah, of course. Bonjour, monsieur. Je m&rsquo;appelle&hellip;uh, Jacques. Customer: (holding his head) Je ne trouve pas ma bague! [I can&rsquo;t find my ring!] Jack: &hellip; Customer: Ma bague! [My ring!] Jack: He is having a headache. A very severe headache, and he needs Advil. Lindsey: Wow, it&rsquo;s a good thing you&rsquo;re a doctor, too! Here, sir, some Advil. Customer: Qu&rsquo;est-ce que c&rsquo;est?! [What is this?!] Jack: You are welcome, monsieur. Customer: (pointing to his ring finger) C&rsquo;est une bague en diamant! [It&rsquo;s a diamond ring.] Jack: He also has pain in his ring finger, a common side effect of Advil. Customer: (slumping dejectedly in chair) Ma bague, ma bague. [My ring, my ring.] Jack: Oh, no!! He&rsquo;s becoming faint. I&rsquo;ll check for a pulse! Customer: Descendez de moi, brute am&eacute;ricaine! [Get off of me, you American brute!] Jack: He&rsquo;s gonna need CPR. Sir, please remain calm. (does vigorous chest compressions) Lindsey: I&rsquo;ll call an ambulance! Customer: Une ambulance? Quoi?! [An ambulance? What?!] EMT: Sir, you&rsquo;re going to be okay. Just calm down. (wheels him away) Lindsey: You saved his life! Jack: Oui, mon amour. I love you so much. Lindsey: (sees diamond ring on floor under table) Oh, Jack, did you hide that ring there? Yes, I will marry you!! Other Customer: Bafu iko wapi? Nadhani mimi nina karibu kutupa. [Where&rsquo;s the bathroom? I think I&rsquo;m about to throw up.] Jack: Iko nyuma ya mgahawa kulia. [It&rsquo;s at the back of the restaurant to the right.]

Lindsey: It is so hot that you speak French, Jack.Jack: Ah, but how else would I order . . . la crèm...

Dinner Date

Mexican standoff: A confrontation among two or more armed parties, none of which wants to attack first (fearing that the other could retaliate), but neither of which will disarm (for fear the other will attack). SEE: mutually assured destruction
Latvian standoff: A literal stand-off. They&rsquo;re all very tall; standing competitions are quite popular in Latvia.
New Year&rsquo;s Eve standoff: A confrontation among two parties, one at your best friend&rsquo;s house that you promised to go already and the other is an exclusive event at a speakeasy downtown that will definitely be more fun.
Spanish standoff: Same as a Mexican standoff but all of the &ldquo;s&rdquo; sounds are &ldquo;th&rdquo; instead.
Standing standoff: Studies show that this type of standoff is more ergonomic and less likely to cause chronic spinal injuries.
Stand-up standoff: Two comedians who are both really good and they each want to go second so that the audience is already warmed up.
Cuban Missile Crisis: A Mexican standoff with way more people involved.

Mexican standoff: A confrontation among two or more armed parties, none of which wants to attack fir...

Types of Standoffs

-Sir, they&rsquo;ve stockpiled one hundred nuclear missiles. -Aha! Not to worry, my friend! They&rsquo;ll never fire them. -Er, why is that? -Because if they fire those missiles, they can be certain of our immediate retaliation. -Right, but&mdash; -A classic case of &ldquo;mutually assured destruction.&rdquo; -Well, the thing is&mdash; -It&rsquo;s a simple principle of game theory! -General, we only have one missile. -That&rsquo;s all we need, my friend. -It&rsquo;s not nuclear. -It doesn&rsquo;t need to be! A single well-targeted strike can wreak as much damage as a hundred atomic bombs! -It&rsquo;s not even armed with an explosive. It&rsquo;s basically just a big metal football. -Dangerous enough to destroy a house of parliament, to bring their government to its knees! -It doesn&rsquo;t have a homing system. We&rsquo;d just be dropping it out of a plane. -If our timing is precise, that won&rsquo;t matter! -With all due respect, there is basically zero chance we hit a target that small. -They don&rsquo;t have to know that, though! It&rsquo;s all about deterrence! -Sir, I just don&rsquo;t think they&rsquo;re scared of our big metal football. -It&rsquo;s a highly advanced military weapon! -If they launch one hundred nuclear missiles, they are not going to be worried about our football. -What if we strike first? -To be honest, sir, they probably won&rsquo;t even notice.

-Sir, they’ve stockpiled one hundred nuclear missiles.-Aha! Not to worry, my friend! They’ll never f...

Assured Destruction

<ol>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Field of play</li>
<ol>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Standard dimensions: 63,000 square miles.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Playing surface: rubble or wasteland both officially accepted.</li>
</ol>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Scoring</li>
<ol>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Rebuilding a road: 1 point.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Rebuilding a school: 2 points.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Rebuilding a school from behind the three-point line: 3 points.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Rebuilding a city: 6 points, followed by the opportunity to kick an extra point or &ldquo;go for two&rdquo; (add parking enforcement, poor drainage, overcrowding, and noise pollution to the city for increased resemblance to pre-apocalyptic urban life).</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Kicking a piece of rubble through the ruins of an archway: 1 goal.</li>
<ol>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="3">Goal-to-points conversion ratio: depends on foreign exchange rate.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="3">Existence of foreign exchange rate: depends on tenuous state of post-apocalyptic intergovernmental peace.</li>
</ol>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Hitting a piece of rubble over a crumbling retaining wall: 1 run, unless there are survivors on base (in which case, go help them, obviously; this is recorded as an assist.)</li>
</ol>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Fouls</li>
<ol>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Violations of international law: 15-yard penalty.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Traveling: this is good; allows redistribution of surviving population. No longer a foul under most recent rules revisions.&nbsp;</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Forming a band of rogues to try to capitalize on the power vacuum associated with the end of the world: red card, unless it ends up becoming the basis for the plot of a really good movie (in which case, yellow card).</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Stepping over the line while rebuilding a road: bad luck.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Segregating the school you have just rebuilt: 162-game suspension.</li>
</ol>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="1">Notes</li>
<ol>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">Apocahockey, a common variation, follows all previous rules but is usually played in colder climates.</li>
<li style="font-weight: 400;" aria-level="2">I miss basketball.</li>
</ol>
</ol>


Field of play

Standard dimensions: 63,000 square miles.
Playing surface: rubble or wasteland b...

Apocalypseball Official Rules

-It all happened so fast&hellip;the meteor&hellip;I couldn&rsquo;t&hellip;
-I&hellip;I think we&rsquo;re the only two survivors.
-What happened to Matt?
-Your boyfriend Matt?
-Yeah, him.
-(gesturing sadly to rubble) He, uh, he didn&rsquo;t&hellip; (voice trailing off)
-Oh no.&nbsp;
-Yeah. I&rsquo;m so sorry. I lost my whole family too.
-So what do we do now?
-Well, the human race is almost extinct.
-And?
-I feel like we have an obligation to repopul&mdash;
-No.
-But&mdash;
-No.

-It all happened so fast…the meteor…I couldn’t…
-I…I think we’re the only two survivors.
-What hap...

Friendzone in the Apocalypse

-That was an excellent dinner. Should we get the check? -Sure. This one&rsquo;s on me.&nbsp; -No, please, I&rsquo;ve got it. You get the next one.&nbsp; -No, I insist, it&rsquo;s on me. -Hmm. Okay. Hey, is that Keanu Reeves? -Where&mdash;hey, wait a minute! You grabbed the check when I wasn&rsquo;t looking! -Yes I did.&nbsp; -Smart&hellip;very smart&hellip;hey, is that noted curmudgeon Larry David? What is he doing here? -Where&mdash;hey, you used my own trick on me!&nbsp; -Yes I did. -Good thing that&rsquo;s only a decoy check. I replaced the real check on the table using sleight of hand.&nbsp; -Ah, but I knew you would try that, and I had the waiter bring out a fake check when I &ldquo;went to the bathroom&rdquo; a few minutes ago. I&rsquo;ve already paid. Checkmate.&nbsp; -Aha! But I actually contacted your credit card company last week and arranged for all payments to be rerouted from my account.&nbsp; -That was me on the phone, pretending to be an agent of the credit card company.&nbsp; -Gosh darn it, you really thought of everything&hellip;can I at least see the receipt? Wait, you only tipped $5.00? -I tipped $500. This is the World&rsquo;s Nicest People Convention, after all.&nbsp;

-That was an excellent dinner. Should we get the check?-Sure. This one’s on me. -No, please, I’ve go...

Benjamin Stern.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Benjamin Stern