I never thought I’d be a hero. After I made a deal with the devil for football skills in exchange for instability in the middle east, I always assumed I’d live a normal life as a backup high school quarterback and then die peacefully in a bungee-jumping accident at age 30. But that all changed when the Russians decided to drop a bomb on us and I turned out to be the only kid on the football team who wasn’t invited to the end-of-the-world mega-orgy.

“Kid, if the math I did on the back of this cereal box is right, Snap, Crackle, and Pop should all be able to make it out of this sugar maze just fine.” Coach was a smart man. “The same can’t be said about us, because in about three minutes we’re all going to be dust.” I was scared. Coach and I didn’t share many interests outside of games on the back of cereal boxes, and I knew I couldn’t make it three minutes into a conversation without at least one awkward pause.

I turned around to start walking away and immediately hit a wall. It was a mural of our school’s mascot—a football hitting a bomb mid-air above a crowd of happy people cheering. It was labeled, “Peace By Hitting The Bomb With A Football Shaped Object And Exploding It Safely” which also happened to be theme of last year’s prom. Suddenly I had an idea, but then I got distracted by the glint of the bomb falling from the sky and immediately forgot it. The bomb is moving so fast and is so shiny. I wish I was shiny.

“Listen, Chase, the world needs you. The only way humanity lives is if you hit this bomb clean out of the air,” said Coach. I stared at the missile defense base across the street. I bet the people who worked there felt pretty stupid for not spending their days practicing throwing a ball really far like me for this exact scenario.

Going by stats alone, this bomb didn’t stand a chance. This season I had already touched the ball 3 times without having an allergic reaction and the bomb contained a measly 7 tons of plutonium. I could take it out in my sleep if you count dreams. One time I actually had a dream that I was in this exact scenario and after I saved the world I went home and overcame my speech impediment. Pretty impressive, right?

After listening to the national anthem while kneeling, my warmup was complete. I hurled the ball and hit the bomb dead on. Coach said, “awesome!”  It exploded in the air but was still somehow strong enough to destroy everything on earth. I guess you can’t believe everything you see on murals.

The only reason I survived is a rare genetic mutation which doesn’t affect me in any way except immunity to radiation and explosi—ohhh a rabbit! Where is this cute rabbit ever to go? Why does it feel like my brain is on fire right now?