This next song goes out to Janet Fisher, a very special girl in my life. Janet are you here tonight?...

Psssst. Hey kids. Yeah you guys. Looking for a good time? I could help you out with some purchases w...

Dear Parent, If you are receiving this note it means that your child has been enrolled in my class:...

Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you… the wheel! (Roaring applause) Just what exactly does it d...

- You know that I love and support you, right? - Of course. - And that goes for anything, includin...

Good evening passengers, this is your doctor speaking. Yeah, you heard that right. Everybody knows...

It’s every kid’s dream to be a superhero, which is why I spend all my time wandering around the rese...

My dad has the coolest job ever. Everyday he comes home in a different kiss-stained uniform. Some da...

Alright class, today we’re going to cover something called classical conditioning. Can I get a volun...

I never thought I’d be a hero. After I made a deal with the devil for football skills in exchange fo...

After the explosions, everyone who didn’t die just wanted to have a good time. That’s why the govern...

Dear lame-o’s 50 years from now, You guys don’t know it yet, but you’ve gotta be the biggest pussie...

Brussels Representative: We move to open discussion on whether to allow nuclear armament of the Repu...

Good evening, Lady Harrington. I have arrived on my mighty steed to take you away to — pardon me. Ho...

Kid: Help, I’m drowning! Hot Lifeguard: Clint, go get him! Fat Lifeguard: Really?  Hot Lifeguard:...

Contestant #1: I’d like to solve the puzzle: Host: Go right ahead. _’D   L_KE   T_   BUY   _   V_W...

Alright, buddy, let’s see some ID. (Inspecting) It says here you were born in (squints) 2011, which ...

- I’ll take one molotov cocktail, kind sir. - (Throws molotov cocktail on the dancefloor) - Perfec...

- Give it to me straight, doc. - I’m afraid the tumor is inoperable. It’s growing too fast. - Is t...

- The time I walked to the restaurant and ordered a COMPUTER! The waitress did not know what to do. ...

— (To microphone in the corner of the room) Excuse me? We’re stumped. Could we get a hint? — (Over ...

—  How was your weekend? —  I can’t tell you about things I did in the past. —  Wait why? —...

— (To microphone in the corner of the room) Excuse me? We’re stumped. Could we get a hint? — (Over ...