My dad has the coolest job ever. Everyday he comes home in a different kiss-stained uniform. Some days he’s a firefighter, other days he’s a cop, or a doctor. The best part? He doesn’t need any expensive degrees or fancy training. In fact, when my dad was a student right here at Jefferson middle, he decided to flunk out and pursue his one true passion: taking his clothes off for the sexual arousal of others.

 

But my dad doesn’t just strip. He commands both character and space. Your typical PTA crowd isn’t looking for any old piece of ass. I’m sorry, Ms. Fee. Any old piece of butt. They want a smart, caring man with a troubled past that will make them feel naughty. They want someone with depth. They also want firm pecs, but I’ve heard that’s negotiable if “it” is big enough.

 

Take, for example, Dr. Boner. He suffers from a rare and painful disease known as Cock-Elongitis. As the night goes on, my dad will tell you about his battle with the internal review board, who’s trying to take his license away for infecting everyone at the hospital.

Or, if you want to support our troops, consider Sergeant Lieutenant Salami. He holds four purple hearts and an ocean of trauma. Sometimes, when the ladies get rowdy, Sergeant Lieutenant Salami will ask to take a short break to get the screams of the children he killed overseas out of his head.

 

Or perhaps you want someone more reliable. Well, let me introduce you to Chief Sack. In a city plagued by housefires, Chief Sack has been able to save every family that’s called him, except his own.

 

Officer Cum Slinger is just your average cop, but that’s conflicting enough.

 

Hands down, the best part of my dad’s job is how much time he gets to spend with me. He doesn’t have to do anything until way past my bedtime, so he gets to spend all his free-time helping me refine my fitness plan and develop compelling characters. I can’t wait to be just like him when I turn twelve and a half!