Good evening passengers, this is your doctor speaking. Yeah, you heard that right. Everybody knows that the only thing harder than pilot school is doctor school. That’s why I didn’t go to either. At the end of the day it’s just a bunch of buttons. And flying a plane? How hard can that be?

If you look out the window you’ll notice that the ground is completely blank and devoid of any kind of state lines or city names that would help me figure out where we are. This is very much not what I expected. I guess that’s the kind of stuff you learn in pilot school. At the very least I know we’re not over the ocean because that is the one place I absolutely can not go. 

Most of you are suffering from appendicitis, and the rest of you are here for weight-balancing purposes. I’ll start the procedures once we get out of this turbulence and into some stronger turbulence, because I can tell you now this stuff is not nearly strong enough to cancel out the Parkinson’s.

If you haven’t gotten the complimentary nuts yet, they’re probably not coming. This is a Turkish Airlines plane I stole in Baghdad so I highly doubt any of the attendants speak English. Come to think of it, you guys probably don’t speak English either. Crazy how language works like that.

Anyway if you want any more anesthetic I’ve got it all up here in the cockpit. Come party if you want. Or don’t. It’s your funeral.