Dear lame-o’s 50 years from now,

You guys don’t know it yet, but you’ve gotta be the biggest pussies of all time. How does it feel to be living in a world where some United Nations bigshots can just ban weapons of mass destruction unilaterally on a Tuesday afternoon? That’s messed up, man.

You might think you future folk got it good with your U.N. and your flying cars and your 130 year life expectancies or whatever, but I’ll let you in on a simple fact from a simpler time: bombs are awesome. Imagine the perfect house, sitting on the perfect hill, on the perfect Sunday afternoon. Now imagine all of that being torn to shreds and scattered miles away in mere milliseconds. Now imagine it happening simultaneously to more people than you will ever meet in your entire life. Bombs can do that. In fact, bombs might be the only way to do that. Did I mention they’re also loud and make clouds that look like penises?

If the U.N. is willing to rid the world of the biggest bombs known to man, I don’t even want to think about what they’re doing to address poverty in Sudan because thinking hurts my brain unless I’m imagining explosions. In fact, with all this writing I better take a quick break to think about what would have happened if Notre Dame had been filled with napalm the day it burned down. Ahhh, that’s nice. That’s real nice.

Look, I’m not trying to tell you what to do, I’m just putting this out there so you dipshits have something to think about the next time someone at the Snickers factory accidentally mixes potassium chlorate with sugar and everyone remembers how fucking sick explosions are. Try to imagine a world where nothing is off-limits, not even public schools in a neutral zone.

Or just use this letter to light a firecracker and throw it at the abandoned church across the street.

Whatever losers,
Rick Schmitt out!