“Where the fuck are my Eggos?!”, Millie yells. 

One of the Eggos is slightly burnt, so I panic and restart. “They’re coming, my sweetness!”, I call back. I scream into a kitchen towel and take out a new Eggo. Today’s the one year anniversary of me dating the lovely, effervescent television star Millie Bobby Brown, which means tomorrow is the day after that. 

Breakfast is ready. Millie tries to telekinetically summon the syrup. “It’s not gonna move, honey bun,” I say. She launches a fork at my head. This happens at every meal. I then choo choo train the food into her mouth, which is the only way she’ll eat it and the only way I get to spoon feed a celebrity in the comfort of my own home. I relax a little in my chair knowing she’s not outside trying to make homeless people float. Things aren’t always this good.

Romantically, there are ups and mostly downs. After breakfast, we do some normal things like kiss because it’s our anniversary and the Eggos were good. But then I accidentally bite her lip, so she tries to choke me with her mind and every part of me wishes she’d stop and just use your hands already baby please. 

I close my eyes. I don’t know if we’ll ever be a normal couple. Maybe one day Millie will realize she’s not a television character and I’ll realize the antidepressant drug cocktail I’m taking is slowly eroding my liver. Maybe then she’ll join me in reality. She’ll stop being temperamental and forgetting my name and terrorizing the local woodland creatures by putting her palm out and clenching real hard. Probably not. But it’s nice to think about sometimes. 

I open my eyes and we’re on the kitchen floor, Millie’s hands wrapped around my throat and my hands wrapped around hers pushing down harder. Zooey mama it feels good. She starts screaming, “GIVE ME BACK MY POWERS OR I’LL–” but I’m too busy beaming at our rare moment of intimacy to listen. 

So yes, dating Millie Bobby Brown isn’t what I expected. She’s never smiled at me. Not even once. But the bigger surprise is that every day I just can’t stop falling in love with her. And well, that has to be the strangest thing of all.