This message is addressed to Presley, Elvis.

Dear Sir:

You are hereby notified that you have been drafted into the service of the United States Armed Forces. You are to report to 
Central Station, Memphis, Tennessee. My daughter buys all your records and she will be there too
at 
6:30 AM, if that’s too early we can find another time
for forwarding to an Armed Forces Induction Station.
You must bring:
-Social Security Card,
-Proof of residence,
-A nice headshot (no hips), and preferably a pen.
-A wedding ring (size 6)

In the coming days, you will meet your drill sergeant James Markey, but you can call me Jim who will lead basic training before finalization of your stationing. You will be stationed at our house for as long as you’d like months. Your local board will provide you with all the peanut butter banana sandwiches you can eat. But if you so much as lay a finger on my girl, you’re out of the Army. And while you’re at it, shave those sideburns. And no singing about love.

To appeal to this conscription for a medical exemption, write your local board at
Nice try, I’ve seen those hips move

Failure to comply with this conscription may be classified as Treason against the Nation.
and she will cry.