06/07/2022 Hey saddle sisters. Didn&rsquo;t play outside with the other kids today. Too busy doing horse stuff on the computer.&nbsp;
Horse Question of the Week: If you could breed any mare in history with Secretariat, who would it be and why?
06/14/2022 Hey saddle sisters. I&rsquo;ve been working all night on a plugin for the National Horse Registry that lets you filter by Hotness. I also spent many nights volunteering data points for a new category called Hotness.
06/21/2022 I have big plans that might totally shake up how we think about horses, and breeding. My classmates have gracefully let me have my own table at lunch to concentrate.
07/22/2022 No updates this month since I&rsquo;ve been deflecting an SQL attack on the Horse Registry. Hundreds of years of records for thousands of horses went missing. I replaced them all from the record in my mind.
07/31/2022 I&rsquo;ve rolled out beta testing for the new Horse Registry, but no one wants to be my beta tester.&nbsp;
Horse Question of the Week: Is it because I wear braces?
09/29/2022 Using a database of horse statistics, I&rsquo;ve found a way to predict the winner of the Kentucky Derby with 96% accuracy. Almost as accurate as my mind.
10/03/2022 Just saw a horse in real life for the first time and they are absolutely disgusting.

06/07/2022 Hey saddle sisters. Didn’t play outside with the other kids today. Too busy doing horse s...

Horse Girl Blog

CMD+Space Comix

This message is addressed to Presley, Elvis.
Dear Sir:
You are hereby notified that you have been drafted into the service of the United States Armed Forces. You are to report to&nbsp; Central Station, Memphis, Tennessee. My daughter buys all your records and she will be there too at&nbsp; 6:30 AM, if that&rsquo;s too early we can find another time for forwarding to an Armed Forces Induction Station. You must bring: -Social Security Card, -Proof of residence, -A nice headshot (no hips), and preferably a pen. -A wedding ring (size 6)
In the coming days, you will meet your drill sergeant James Markey, but you can call me Jim who will lead basic training before finalization of your stationing. You will be stationed at&nbsp;our house for as long as you&rsquo;d like months. Your local board will provide you with all the peanut butter banana sandwiches you can eat. But if you so much as lay a finger on my girl, you&rsquo;re out of the Army. And while you&rsquo;re at it, shave those sideburns. And no singing about love.
To appeal to this conscription for a medical exemption, write your local board at Nice try, I&rsquo;ve seen those hips move
Failure to comply with this conscription may be classified as Treason against the Nation. and she will cry.

This message is addressed to Presley, Elvis.
Dear Sir:
You are hereby notified that you have been ...

Elvis's Draft Letter

Molly: Oh Jon, this sunset picnic is so romantic&hellip;are you&hellip;crying?
Jon: Sorry, *sniff* I&rsquo;m just allergic to beautiful moments.
&nbsp;
[15 years earlier]
Teacher: Okay class, remember: Samantha and Andy need to sit at the &lsquo;No Nuts&rsquo; table. And Jon sits at the &lsquo;No Heartwarming Moments&rsquo; table.
[Jon sits alone. This goes on for months.]
Girl: Jon, you always look so lonely. I&rsquo;ll sit with you!
[Jon smiles. His eyes flame up and his tongue expands to fill his mouth]
&nbsp;
Bully: Hey Jon.
Jon: I don&rsquo;t have any lunch money today. Can&rsquo;t you leave me alone?
Bully: That&rsquo;s not why I&rsquo;m here. I wanted to say I&rsquo;m sorry. Sorry for picking on you.
Jon: *rasp* Really?
Bully: Yeah. You&rsquo;re actually a pretty nice guy. Hug it out?
Jon: *begins choking on his own throat* Hey, quit it!
[Bully high fives cronies and takes Jon&rsquo;s lunch money]
&nbsp;
Jon: Thanks for playing catch with me, Dad.
Dad: No problem kiddo. Hold on, I gotta take this. (on phone) Yes? Hello? I told you, sell the stock and liquidate the assets&hellip;
Jon: Dad? You promised we&rsquo;d play for an hour.
Dad: &hellip;You know what? Hold that thought, Jenkins. I have something more important to attend to.
Jon: *starts puffing up*
Dad: Oh, right. (back on phone) Christ, am I speaking Chinese? A chimp with a blindfold would know to sell by now&hellip;
&nbsp;
Jon (at graduation): It&rsquo;s surreal being up on this stage here today. The doctors gave me 1% odds of surviving birth, the most amazing miracle life has to offer. I want to thank the nurses for acting so grossed out by it.
Dad (in crowd): Jon! It&rsquo;s me. I came, even though I promised you I wouldn&rsquo;t.
[The principal whispers to Jon about moving to &ldquo;plan B&rdquo;]
Jon: Everyone, if you&rsquo;ll turn to the last page of your program, there&rsquo;s a table of steel tariffs indexed by country GDP. Please rise and join me in muffling out my father&rsquo;s praise.

Molly: Oh Jon, this sunset picnic is so romantic…are you…crying?
Jon: Sorry, *sniff* I’m just aller...

Allergy

<pre>085888C8 60000000 Win every court case 0452FDBC 10000000 Infinite evidence 0452FDBC 0FFFFFFF Finite, but very large amount of evidence 085888C8 00000001 Lets you go out of bounds 085888C8 00000001 Lets you sit in the judge&rsquo;s seat and bang the gavel 085888C8 00000001 Packs jury with biased members 81FFFFF0 7C0E7800 Rulings are determined by Applause-O-Meter 085888C8 60000000 Gives opposing attorney a stutter and a lack of confidence 085888C8 60000000 Makes you say &ldquo;OBJECTION&rdquo; after every dialogue 085888C8 60000000 Disables attorney-client confidentiality 085888C8 60000000 Disables Miranda rights 085888C8 60000000 When holding &lsquo;A&rsquo; and &lsquo;B&rsquo;, death penalty is temporarily disabled 085888C8 60000000 Makes partner track at firm take 10 years instead of 11 085888C8 000000XY Change law degree: 00 Super Star Legal Academy 01 Harvard Law, Full Honors, concurrent LLM 02 wemakelawyers.net 085888C8 60000000 20019300 00000000 0259793A 00000000 0452FDBC 60000000 C273B0A8 00000004 3DC05544 61CE0003 81FFFFF0 7C0E7800 41820008 907F0000 60000000 00000000 Sends a digital receipt of piracy to Capcom, beginning a real-life legal dipsute</pre>

085888C8 60000000 Win every court case0452FDBC 10000000 Infinite evidence0452FDBC 0FFFFFFF Finite, b...

Cheat Codes for Ace Attorney

Grandpa says that in America, the streets are paved with gold and the water is made of milk and honey. The trees bear cotton candy and the grass is sewn from satin and silk. Every house has a car in its garage and every car has an apple pie in its massive cupholders. The winters are survivable if you are not too old.
Cowboys roam the earth and baseball players slide about in the dust. Watch out&mdash;you just might run into a &ldquo;Hollywood star&rdquo; on your way to work! Work is eighteen hours a day, whistling at the old fishing hole.
Everyone knows your name and what you want for dinner today. Every couch is a fold-out bed. Every door is a fire escape. Every fire is a warm embrace. Every apartment is required to have a window facing the Statue of Liberty. The Statue of Liberty smiles all the time, except during national tragedies.
In America, the President writes you a letter every Sunday and you have to write him one back by the end of the week. He listens to everything you say, and if he doesn&rsquo;t understand something, he will call you to clarify. Toll-free.
The mailman always delivers, even when it rains, which it never does. The sun is closer and bigger than in the old country. Clothes dry in five minutes, tops. The chocolate chip cookies on the windowsill never cool.

Grandpa says that in America, the streets are paved with gold and the water is made of milk and hone...

Going to America

&ldquo;I Can Totally See This Being Mayonnaise&rdquo; Margarine
&ldquo;It&rsquo;s For My Windshields&rdquo; Lubricant
&ldquo;Look! A Little Hat!&rdquo; Colander
&ldquo;I Can&rsquo;t Believe It&rsquo;s Not A Noble Steed&rdquo; Broomstick
&ldquo;If It Was Butter, Could I Do This&rdquo; Skateboard
&ldquo;I&rsquo;m 50% Confident This Is A Spoon&rdquo; Spork
&ldquo;We Sell A Lot Of Things That Aren&rsquo;t Butter, For Instance, This Pot&rdquo; Pot Of Butter
&ldquo;This Shit. This Shit Is Butter. I&rsquo;m Not Fucking Crazy.&rdquo; Ketchup
&ldquo;Ketchup Is Red. This Crap? This Is Not Red. They Dyed Butter.
Notice The Viscosity.&rdquo; Butter
&ldquo;Put Me In A Room With 20 Packets Of Real Butter And 20
Packets Of Whatever This Is And I Guarantee You I Will Guess
Which One Is Which Every Time&rdquo; Cyanide
&ldquo;If This Isn&rsquo;t Butter, I Will Uproot My Mother&rsquo;s Grave And Toss It
Off Niagara Falls.&rdquo; Margarine
&ldquo;Butter. It Is The One Constant In My Life. It Is My Guiding Star. But Now, I Have Nowhere Left To Turn. An Unmitigable Paradigm Shift For Which I Was Woefully Unprepared. I Lost My Wife, My Family, My Job. Last Night, Someone Took My Blanket. By The Time You Read This, I Am Far Down The Hudson River. Goodbye, Cruel World. To Mary, The Only Woman Who Ever Believed Me.&rdquo; Butter-Margarine Hybrid

“I Can Totally See This Being Mayonnaise” Margarine
“It’s For My Windshields” Lubricant
“Look! A L...

From the Creators of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!"

-Hello class, today we have a new student. He was raised by wolves.
-Hi, everyone. I&rsquo;m Drew. It&rsquo;s a pleasure to meet you all.
-Oh my, Drew&mdash;you are quite articulate for a child raised by wolves.
-Well, the wolves who raised me were raised by humans.
&nbsp;
-Why is there an anthropologist sitting in the back of the classroom?
-Don't mind him. He&rsquo;s just going to study you.
-He should study my parents. They&rsquo;re wolves that speak English, wear clothes, and lead ordinary domestic lives.
-Wow. So your parents are wolves.
&nbsp;
-Drew, you&rsquo;re not playing with the other kids at recess. Are you developmentally stunted as a result of your wolf upbringing?
-We&rsquo;re just playing hide-and-seek. I&rsquo;m &ldquo;it&rdquo; right now.
-Did your wolf parents not teach you to hunt?
-They just buy groceries like everyone else.
&nbsp;
-Son, I told you not to bring anthropologists to our home.
-He followed me here.
-Well, I&rsquo;m trying to do my crossword and drink coffee and file taxes. What did I tell you to say when an anthropologist is bothering you?
-...&ldquo;Woof&rdquo;.
[Anthropologist furiously takes notes]
&nbsp;
-Okay class, it&rsquo;s time for Drew to present his final project&mdash;.
-I can&rsquo;t&hellip;
-And why is that?
-&hellip;My dad&hellip;he ate it.

-Hello class, today we have a new student. He was raised by wolves.
-Hi, everyone. I’m Drew. It’s a...

Liam Norman.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Liam Norman