“I Can Totally See This Being Mayonnaise” Margarine

“It’s For My Windshields” Lubricant

“Look! A Little Hat!” Colander

“I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Noble Steed” Broomstick

“If It Was Butter, Could I Do This” Skateboard

“I’m 50% Confident This Is A Spoon” Spork

“We Sell A Lot Of Things That Aren’t Butter, For Instance, This Pot” Pot Of Butter

“This Shit. This Shit Is Butter. I’m Not Fucking Crazy.” Ketchup

“Ketchup Is Red. This Crap? This Is Not Red. They Dyed Butter.

Notice The Viscosity.” Butter

“Put Me In A Room With 20 Packets Of Real Butter And 20

Packets Of Whatever This Is And I Guarantee You I Will Guess

Which One Is Which Every Time” Cyanide

“If This Isn’t Butter, I Will Uproot My Mother’s Grave And Toss It

Off Niagara Falls.” Margarine

“Butter. It Is The One Constant In My Life. It Is My Guiding Star. But Now, I Have Nowhere Left To Turn. An Unmitigable Paradigm Shift For Which I Was Woefully Unprepared. I Lost My Wife, My Family, My Job. Last Night, Someone Took My Blanket. By The Time You Read This, I Am Far Down The Hudson River. Goodbye, Cruel World. To Mary, The Only Woman Who Ever Believed Me.” Butter-Margarine Hybrid