I’ve got a crazy family — two brothers, four sisters, three half-brothers, one quarter-sister, one mom, three dads, and one very racist grandchild — and I love ‘em all to death. 

The day I was born, my mother gave birth to approximately 10 other kids. My mom was pushing and pushing, then she finally got the door open and lay down on the delivery room bed. Next, my brother Ronnie came out of that vagina and was immediately arrested for public nudity. Ronnie is the real deal — big shoulders, wide hips, the whole shebang. Nowadays, Ronnie serves drinks at the Rascal Lounge, which really pisses off the bartender there. 

Next oldest brother is Grant. There was this one classic story, where Ronnie threw Grant into a lake, and Grant was drowning pretty bad. Ronnie started to feel guilty and thought maybe he should save Grant. But he ultimately decided to keep drowning him.

Anyway, the next two out of the womb were stillbirths. The one after that was my brother Jeremy, who was a stillbirth. 

Then came Dave — don’t even get me started on Dave. Dave the Knave! Dave-zilla! David! He’s a bullfighter and part-time PETA Vice President. I only found out Dave was a bullfighter at the biannual Tokyo Rodeo a few years back. “You know, I’m a pretty gifted bullfighter” Dave said to me in the crowd.

I can’t freaking wait for you to hear about Louis, though. Louis! LOUIS. Louis. Where do I even begin? Louis grew up to be a human trafficker. But this was a time when many other people were human traffickers, so Louis was arrested along with many other people. 

And then along came Leslie, another stillbirth. Leslie actually just landed a big role in the movie “Alien vs. Stillbirth” as the alien. 

Then finally, me. I was born with this birthmark covering my entire face. I’ve since been plagued by a lifetime of being self-conscious, even though the birthmark was removed right away. 

But of all 9 kids, I was the only one my mother kept. Why? I’m pretty good at hula hooping. I’m not great — occasionally I mess up and my arms get caught in the hoop and I can’t really get them out or else I’d risk knocking the hoop down which is just embarrassing, so I just have to stand there with my arms trapped for a couple hours. But I’m pretty good.