There were never any parties where I grew up. Believe me—I asked everybody. For my eighteenth birthday, my dad got me a pair of binoculars so I could finally see what was going on in the next town over. My twin sister got a car because she loved going on five-hour joyrides on Friday nights. I get it; there’s not much to do in this boring town. I used to climb to the top of the water tower just to see what I was missing out on: the kids from the next town standing on their water tower using binoculars to look back at me but obviously having way more fun doing it than I am. 

That’s when I decided to become a police officer. Those guys had radio stations dedicated to the gossip. Wouldn’t you know, that’s actually why every other cop I’ve met decided to become one, too. Makes sense they were all on board when I presented my proposal: Confess a crime? No problem. We won’t tell anyone. We just want to know what’s going on around town.

It was great at first. Drunk drivers. Prostitutes. Underage drunk drivers. More-illegal prostitutes. But then people started confessing crimes that they wouldn’t follow through on. Imagine this. You and all your friends, fresh out of the police academy, climb the water tower and assume the watching position just to find that Tom isn’t killing his wife tonight. Come on, Tom.

The first time it happened we just gave the guy a warning. But then this guy Teddy told us he was about to go on a mass killing spree. So of course we pull out all the stops. Pillows, snacks, handcuffs for champagne and shackles—make it a social event, you know? Teddy must have made a bad decision at the last second because I didn’t see anybody get slaughtered like I was promised. 

The next day, we bring Teddy into the station. He admits he had a change of heart, that he’d started on a better path and even got sober. It’s been a day, Teddy! Anybody can be sober for a day if the day started fifteen minutes ago, Teddy! Anybody can be sober for fifteen minutes if the fifteen minutes started five minutes ago, Teddy! Some people. Anyway, we’re gonna recommend life in prison for the guy. Don’t fuck with Larchmont PD. We look after one another. That’s all we got.