Rick, 40
I&rsquo;d better contribute something before anyone gets suspicious. &ldquo;Let&rsquo;s sacrifice John!&rdquo; I yell. The Leader retorts that today is community garden day. I know she&rsquo;s testing me. This whole sting will be wrecked if I&rsquo;m outed, so I yell, &ldquo;She&rsquo;s not aligned with the mission! Who wants to kill the Leader?!&rdquo;
&nbsp;
Mary, 25
&ldquo;Me!&rdquo; I shout back. A front-row seat means good data for my dissertation on cult psychology. To maintain the integrity of the study, it&rsquo;s important I don&rsquo;t disrupt regular cult operations. Instead, I chime in, &ldquo;Let&rsquo;s try the Elrod method! It&rsquo;s used in over 65% of cult murders. Or so I&rsquo;ve heard.&rdquo;&nbsp;
&nbsp;
George, 63
If the Leader dies, so does my Times column on the first-ever female cult president. Then again, I want Mary to know I respect the opinions of women, so when she tells me to kill the Leader, I don&rsquo;t question her. I listen.
&nbsp;
The Leader, 45
Don&rsquo;t repeat this, but I only infiltrated the cult years ago to practice making friends. I&rsquo;ve never made an assertive claim aloud, making me an amiable leader. I&rsquo;ll ruin those relationships if I stand up for myself. So, when they&rsquo;re trying to kill me, I let them.&nbsp;&nbsp;

Rick, 40
I’d better contribute something before anyone gets suspicious. “Let’s sacrifice John!” I y...

Chronological Excerpts from the Rochester Cult Massacre Reports

&mdash; I&rsquo;m excited to see your new place finally. &mdash; Here, let me turn on the lights. AHHH!&nbsp;They&rsquo;re voice-activated. &mdash; Nice place you&mdash;Why&rsquo;d you turn the&nbsp;lights back off? &mdash; AHH! So sorry. They&rsquo;re on a five-second timer. &mdash; Hey, what&rsquo;s that on the&mdash;It&rsquo;s&nbsp;pitch black again. &mdash; HEART ATTACK! Be quick.&nbsp;We have thirty seconds. &mdash; Are you having a heart attack? &mdash; No. Certain words keep the&nbsp;lights on longer. &mdash; And you chose &ldquo;heart attack&rdquo;? &mdash; The electrician did. Pretty much&nbsp;all he talked about. Weird guy. &mdash; I think there&rsquo;s something on the&nbsp;floo&mdash;Damn it! &mdash; I got it. SERIOUSLY, I&rsquo;M&nbsp;HAVING A HEART ATTACK! &mdash; Oh my God! Let me take you to&nbsp;the hospital. &mdash; No, no. I&rsquo;m fine. I just bought us a&nbsp;minute of light. &mdash; Good. Is that a man lying on the floor? &mdash; That&rsquo;s the electrician. He&rsquo;s been lying there&nbsp;since he set up the lights. They&rsquo;re awesome,&nbsp;right? &mdash; We have to help him! Isn&rsquo;t there anything you&nbsp;can say to make the lights stay on longer? &mdash; PLEASE, SIR. HELP ME. I&rsquo;M ALMOST&nbsp;DONE WITH YOUR LIGHTS&mdash;JUST SETTING THE ACTIVATION CODES&mdash; BUT THERE&rsquo;S A SHARP PAIN IN MY LEFT ARM.

— I’m excited to see your new place finally.— Here, let me turn on the lights. AHHH! They’re voice-a...

Voice-Activated Lights

There were never any parties where I grew up. Believe me&mdash;I asked everybody. For my eighteenth birthday, my dad got me a pair of binoculars so I could finally see what was going on in the next town over. My twin sister got a car because she loved going on five-hour joyrides on Friday nights. I get it; there&rsquo;s not much to do in this boring town. I used to climb to the top of the water tower just to see what I was missing out on: the kids from the next town standing on their water tower using binoculars to look back at me but obviously having way more fun doing it than I am.&nbsp;
That&rsquo;s when I decided to become a police officer. Those guys had radio stations dedicated to the gossip. Wouldn&rsquo;t you know, that&rsquo;s actually why every other cop I&rsquo;ve met decided to become one, too. Makes sense they were all on board when I presented my proposal: Confess a crime? No problem. We won&rsquo;t tell anyone. We just want to know what&rsquo;s going on around town.
It was great at first. Drunk drivers. Prostitutes. Underage drunk drivers. More-illegal prostitutes. But then people started confessing crimes that they wouldn&rsquo;t follow through on. Imagine this. You and all your friends, fresh out of the police academy, climb the water tower and assume the watching position just to find that Tom isn&rsquo;t killing his wife tonight. Come on, Tom.
The first time it happened we just gave the guy a warning. But then this guy Teddy told us he was about to go on a mass killing spree. So of course we pull out all the stops. Pillows, snacks, handcuffs for champagne and shackles&mdash;make it a social event, you know? Teddy must have made a bad decision at the last second because I didn&rsquo;t see anybody get slaughtered like I was promised.&nbsp;
The next day, we bring Teddy into the station. He admits he had a change of heart, that he&rsquo;d started on a better path and even got sober. It&rsquo;s been a day, Teddy! Anybody can be sober for a day if the day started fifteen minutes ago, Teddy! Anybody can be sober for fifteen minutes if the fifteen minutes started five minutes ago, Teddy! Some people. Anyway, we&rsquo;re gonna recommend life in prison for the guy. Don&rsquo;t fuck with Larchmont PD. We look after one another. That&rsquo;s all we got.&nbsp;

There were never any parties where I grew up. Believe me—I asked everybody. For my eighteenth birthd...

FOMO Cop

Neil Klugman and Brenda Patimkin met days after Neil finished his time machine. At first, the exclusivity masked itself as novelty. “What should we do tonight?” Brenda would ask, knowing Neil wouldn’t wait to get to his second thought. He’d reply “Sal’s?” and Brenda would confirm, “2004.” Sal’s was much cheaper in 2004. 
 
Neil and Brenda indulged in the VIP wristband that stood before them and took up most of Neil’s bedroom. They got front row seats to the Hindenburg disaster. They figured out which religion’s version of God was the right one. They prevented the Holocaust. They watched The Butterfly Effect and undid their undoing of the Holocaust. 
 
“I want to bring you somewhere,” Neil confessed one night after a 2078 visit to Sal’s. 
 
“Where?” Brenda asked. 
 
“I want you to meet me as a kid. There’s something I think about a lot, and I think you’d understand me better if you saw it for yourself.” Neil spoke fluently, as if he’d meant to ask a thousand times already. “Can I show you?” 
 
Neil and Brenda climbed into the time machine, and he set it to 1995. A lot of people think time travel is instantaneous, but it literally takes six hours to take a plane from Boston to Los Angeles. You think traveling through time is faster than planes? Wrong. Time travel is no different: It takes three nanoseconds to go back to 1995 and six hours to travel from Boston to Los Angeles where Neil grew up. 
 
“I wish we could’ve Uber’d to your house,” Brenda joked as she got out of the 30-minute cab ride that cost $12. 
 
“Shh, don’t let them hear us,” Neil whispered, gesturing to little Neil who was facing four slightly taller boys. Between them was an injured bird. Boy #1 removed his monocle to taunt little Neil, “It’s better to put it out of its misery!” Boy #2 pounded his heel into the ground and shouted, “I want to see bird guts!” Boy #3 only let out a raspberry. And Boy #4 did not know how to bully. 
 
Little Neil mustered his courage and brought a hammer upon the bird. The boys’ callousness quickly turned to disgust, but their contempt stayed steadily aimed at Neil. 
 
Neil and Brenda hid behind a house so the boys wouldn’t see them. “You see?” Neil asked. “It’s funny, seeing it now as a thirty-four-year-old man, I can see that that bird wasn’t going to make it. It honestly looked kind of dead before I hit it with the hammer. What a relief. I’ve felt guilty about that forever.” 
 
“You should.” Brenda retorted. “That was majorly fucked up.” 
 
“W-what?” Neil stuttered. 
 
Just then, little Neil approached the couple and, through his tears, mumbled, “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but you both look sad. Do you need help?” 
 
“Murderer!” Brenda yelled. 
 
It was an awkward time travel back to Boston 2024. As soon as they got home, Brenda packed her things and left. Neil didn’t go on another date for ten years. He time traveled to 2034 to make the time go by faster. 
 
• • • 
 
In 2034, Neil met Florence, who was born in 2007 if you’re keeping track. A few weeks in, Neil posed the question: “Can I bring you somewhere?” Soon Neil and Florence stood in front of Neil’s childhood home in 1995. 
 
“What are those kids doing over there?” Florence asked. 
 
“Don’t mind them! Watch, she’s about to do it.” From behind a tree, Neil and Florence watched Brenda scold Neil. “She calls me a murderer and everything. I haven’t stopped thinking about it for ten years. Now you can finally understand this part of me.” 
 
“Wow. You’ve been thinking about another woman for ten years? By the way, what you did to that bird was seriously fucked up.” 
 
• • • 
 
After Florence left him, Neil gave up on love for ten days. He paused time so that he could grieve properly. 
 
Neil met Carry at a family reunion when Neil’s brother hired her catering company. Ugh, nepotism. 
 
“Why’d’ya wanna show me this?” Carry asked Neil. “That second bitch is right. Hell, if you brought me to 1995 just to watch another woman leave ya, you’d damn sure be sorry. While I have you for a sec—and I’m sorry to bring this up on vacation—I don’t think this is working.” 
 
• • • 
 
“You brought me here to watch someone leave you for bringing her here to watch someone leave you for bringing her here to watch someone leave you?” By this point, Neil had learned from his mistakes and changed the time travel mechanics such that one had to embrace their travel companion in order to make it back safely. Neil’s guest stayed in 1995. 
 
Neil planned one last trip. By now, Neil had Delta SkyMiles Diamond Medallion status, so he almost always got upgraded to Delta One. He never hesitated to book a flight or litter. Neil made it back to 1995, the day before everyone else. He took the bird from the drawer little Neil was keeping it in and hid it in a nearby forest. 
 
When Neil returned to 2024, he didn’t have any memory of killing the bird. Brenda had left him for some other reason, probably because he built a time machine and only uses it for dates. 
 
Free from the guilt of killing a bird, Neil was imperceptibly happier, and that bird suffered for much longer.

Neil Klugman and Brenda Patimkin met days after...

How To Get Delta SkyMiles Diamond Medallion Status

Tina: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. 
Priest: What is it, my child? 
Tina: I stole a car. 
 
(The walls of the confessional booth fall, revealing that Tina is inside a police station.) 
 
Cop: We got her! 
Sergeant: Who says we need a warrant? 
 
(The walls of the police station fall to reveal they’re in a hospital.) 
 
Doctor: See? The Sergeant is losing his memory. He’s forgetting what’s legal. 
Therapy Dog: What’s the harm if it gets her to confess? 
Doctor: I should’ve never taught you how to talk. 
 
(The walls of the hospital fall to reveal they’re in a lab experiment.) 
 
Scientist: It worked! The dog is talking. 
Government Scientist: And the guy thinks it’s because he taught him. 
Scientist: Weird. (continues stirring dog-talking elixir) 
 
(The walls of the laboratory fall to reveal another laboratory.) 
 
Alien: It worked! The humans are finally solving the puzzles. 
Government Alien: I can’t believe how long it took them to make dogs talk. 
Alien: That would’ve been the first thing I did. 
Alien Dog: Ruff! 
Alien: Shut up, Buster. 
 
(Frame freezes on a disgruntled Buster.) 
 
Voiceover: Wouldn’t you like to see Buster get out of this with a simple falling of the walls? If that lab were built with EZ-Walls, he’d be out of there in one push. EZ-Walls—in stores now. 
 
(Zoom out to a conference room.) 
 
EZ-Walls Employee: Do you think this commercial will work? 
EZ-Walls CEO: It’s either this or figuring out how to make the walls stick together.

Sabrina Reznik.css-1xlpnei{margin:0px -15px 0px 6px;width:11px;vertical-align:-14px;}

Sabrina Reznik