How To Get Delta SkyMiles Diamond Medallion Status
As seen in: Imaginary Friends #
Neil Klugman and Brenda Patimkin met days after Neil finished his time machine. At first, the exclusivity masked itself as novelty. “What should we do tonight?” Brenda would ask, knowing Neil wouldn’t wait to get to his second thought. He’d reply “Sal’s?” and Brenda would confirm, “2004.” Sal’s was much cheaper in 2004.
Neil and Brenda indulged in the VIP wristband that stood before them and took up most of Neil’s bedroom. They got front row seats to the Hindenburg disaster. They figured out which religion’s version of God was the right one. They prevented the Holocaust. They watched The Butterfly Effect and undid their undoing of the Holocaust.
“I want to bring you somewhere,” Neil confessed one night after a 2078 visit to Sal’s.
“Where?” Brenda asked.
“I want you to meet me as a kid. There’s something I think about a lot, and I think you’d understand me better if you saw it for yourself.” Neil spoke fluently, as if he’d meant to ask a thousand times already. “Can I show you?”
Neil and Brenda climbed into the time machine, and he set it to 1995. A lot of people think time travel is instantaneous, but it literally takes six hours to take a plane from Boston to Los Angeles. You think traveling through time is faster than planes? Wrong. Time travel is no different: It takes three nanoseconds to go back to 1995 and six hours to travel from Boston to Los Angeles where Neil grew up.
“I wish we could’ve Uber’d to your house,” Brenda joked as she got out of the 30-minute cab ride that cost $12.
“Shh, don’t let them hear us,” Neil whispered, gesturing to little Neil who was facing four slightly taller boys. Between them was an injured bird. Boy #1 removed his monocle to taunt little Neil, “It’s better to put it out of its misery!” Boy #2 pounded his heel into the ground and shouted, “I want to see bird guts!” Boy #3 only let out a raspberry. And Boy #4 did not know how to bully.
Little Neil mustered his courage and brought a hammer upon the bird. The boys’ callousness quickly turned to disgust, but their contempt stayed steadily aimed at Neil.
Neil and Brenda hid behind a house so the boys wouldn’t see them. “You see?” Neil asked. “It’s funny, seeing it now as a thirty-four-year-old man, I can see that that bird wasn’t going to make it. It honestly looked kind of dead before I hit it with the hammer. What a relief. I’ve felt guilty about that forever.”
“You should.” Brenda retorted. “That was majorly fucked up.”
“W-what?” Neil stuttered.
Just then, little Neil approached the couple and, through his tears, mumbled, “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but you both look sad. Do you need help?”
“Murderer!” Brenda yelled.
It was an awkward time travel back to Boston 2024. As soon as they got home, Brenda packed her things and left. Neil didn’t go on another date for ten years. He time traveled to 2034 to make the time go by faster.
• • •
In 2034, Neil met Florence, who was born in 2007 if you’re keeping track. A few weeks in, Neil posed the question: “Can I bring you somewhere?” Soon Neil and Florence stood in front of Neil’s childhood home in 1995.
“What are those kids doing over there?” Florence asked.
“Don’t mind them! Watch, she’s about to do it.” From behind a tree, Neil and Florence watched Brenda scold Neil. “She calls me a murderer and everything. I haven’t stopped thinking about it for ten years. Now you can finally understand this part of me.”
“Wow. You’ve been thinking about another woman for ten years? By the way, what you did to that bird was seriously fucked up.”
• • •
After Florence left him, Neil gave up on love for ten days. He paused time so that he could grieve properly.
Neil met Carry at a family reunion when Neil’s brother hired her catering company. Ugh, nepotism.
“Why’d’ya wanna show me this?” Carry asked Neil. “That second bitch is right. Hell, if you brought me to 1995 just to watch another woman leave ya, you’d damn sure be sorry. While I have you for a sec—and I’m sorry to bring this up on vacation—I don’t think this is working.”
• • •
“You brought me here to watch someone leave you for bringing her here to watch someone leave you for bringing her here to watch someone leave you?” By this point, Neil had learned from his mistakes and changed the time travel mechanics such that one had to embrace their travel companion in order to make it back safely. Neil’s guest stayed in 1995.
Neil planned one last trip. By now, Neil had Delta SkyMiles Diamond Medallion status, so he almost always got upgraded to Delta One. He never hesitated to book a flight or litter. Neil made it back to 1995, the day before everyone else. He took the bird from the drawer little Neil was keeping it in and hid it in a nearby forest.
When Neil returned to 2024, he didn’t have any memory of killing the bird. Brenda had left him for some other reason, probably because he built a time machine and only uses it for dates.
Free from the guilt of killing a bird, Neil was imperceptibly happier, and that bird suffered for much longer.
Neil and Brenda indulged in the VIP wristband that stood before them and took up most of Neil’s bedroom. They got front row seats to the Hindenburg disaster. They figured out which religion’s version of God was the right one. They prevented the Holocaust. They watched The Butterfly Effect and undid their undoing of the Holocaust.
“I want to bring you somewhere,” Neil confessed one night after a 2078 visit to Sal’s.
“Where?” Brenda asked.
“I want you to meet me as a kid. There’s something I think about a lot, and I think you’d understand me better if you saw it for yourself.” Neil spoke fluently, as if he’d meant to ask a thousand times already. “Can I show you?”
Neil and Brenda climbed into the time machine, and he set it to 1995. A lot of people think time travel is instantaneous, but it literally takes six hours to take a plane from Boston to Los Angeles. You think traveling through time is faster than planes? Wrong. Time travel is no different: It takes three nanoseconds to go back to 1995 and six hours to travel from Boston to Los Angeles where Neil grew up.
“I wish we could’ve Uber’d to your house,” Brenda joked as she got out of the 30-minute cab ride that cost $12.
“Shh, don’t let them hear us,” Neil whispered, gesturing to little Neil who was facing four slightly taller boys. Between them was an injured bird. Boy #1 removed his monocle to taunt little Neil, “It’s better to put it out of its misery!” Boy #2 pounded his heel into the ground and shouted, “I want to see bird guts!” Boy #3 only let out a raspberry. And Boy #4 did not know how to bully.
Little Neil mustered his courage and brought a hammer upon the bird. The boys’ callousness quickly turned to disgust, but their contempt stayed steadily aimed at Neil.
Neil and Brenda hid behind a house so the boys wouldn’t see them. “You see?” Neil asked. “It’s funny, seeing it now as a thirty-four-year-old man, I can see that that bird wasn’t going to make it. It honestly looked kind of dead before I hit it with the hammer. What a relief. I’ve felt guilty about that forever.”
“You should.” Brenda retorted. “That was majorly fucked up.”
“W-what?” Neil stuttered.
Just then, little Neil approached the couple and, through his tears, mumbled, “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother you, but you both look sad. Do you need help?”
“Murderer!” Brenda yelled.
It was an awkward time travel back to Boston 2024. As soon as they got home, Brenda packed her things and left. Neil didn’t go on another date for ten years. He time traveled to 2034 to make the time go by faster.
• • •
In 2034, Neil met Florence, who was born in 2007 if you’re keeping track. A few weeks in, Neil posed the question: “Can I bring you somewhere?” Soon Neil and Florence stood in front of Neil’s childhood home in 1995.
“What are those kids doing over there?” Florence asked.
“Don’t mind them! Watch, she’s about to do it.” From behind a tree, Neil and Florence watched Brenda scold Neil. “She calls me a murderer and everything. I haven’t stopped thinking about it for ten years. Now you can finally understand this part of me.”
“Wow. You’ve been thinking about another woman for ten years? By the way, what you did to that bird was seriously fucked up.”
• • •
After Florence left him, Neil gave up on love for ten days. He paused time so that he could grieve properly.
Neil met Carry at a family reunion when Neil’s brother hired her catering company. Ugh, nepotism.
“Why’d’ya wanna show me this?” Carry asked Neil. “That second bitch is right. Hell, if you brought me to 1995 just to watch another woman leave ya, you’d damn sure be sorry. While I have you for a sec—and I’m sorry to bring this up on vacation—I don’t think this is working.”
• • •
“You brought me here to watch someone leave you for bringing her here to watch someone leave you for bringing her here to watch someone leave you?” By this point, Neil had learned from his mistakes and changed the time travel mechanics such that one had to embrace their travel companion in order to make it back safely. Neil’s guest stayed in 1995.
Neil planned one last trip. By now, Neil had Delta SkyMiles Diamond Medallion status, so he almost always got upgraded to Delta One. He never hesitated to book a flight or litter. Neil made it back to 1995, the day before everyone else. He took the bird from the drawer little Neil was keeping it in and hid it in a nearby forest.
When Neil returned to 2024, he didn’t have any memory of killing the bird. Brenda had left him for some other reason, probably because he built a time machine and only uses it for dates.
Free from the guilt of killing a bird, Neil was imperceptibly happier, and that bird suffered for much longer.